Crash ball masterclass sees Badgers secure three points on national league debut

By Alice Brown

This Saturday saw Broxbourne make their National League Debut at Ipswich, a team who despite scrapping for survival to stay in the East Conference last season, posed a new challenge for the Badgers in their first ever meet up. Challenge was the theme of the day for the Badgers, as they adjust to life in the National League.

Challenge no. 1: Player availability
Ongoing player contract conflicts between the club and players Lisa Banahan and Emma Wilkens meant both missed out on the league opener this weekend. While new manager Kim Bames assured media in the pre match press conference that the club were confident issues would be resolved by the end of the weekend, Badger fans are yet to be assured after Wilkens was spotted refusing to get out of her car to meet teammates in the clubhouse later that evening. There were further concerns for Becky Scarrott (nee Watkins) who did not appear until just before the opening whistle after spending the morning in tense negotiations with the local bailiffs to retain her household belongings. After a successful summer season running the mixed league with husband Ben, it is rumoured the Scarotts’ lavish “Kardashian” lifestyle, including overspending on Badger kit items, has driven them into debt. Scarrott left the negotiation with a single chest of drawers, with Bames referring to a no comment when media enquired over the status of their remaining possessions.

Challenge No. 2: New season, new sponsors
After last seasons successful sponsor activity, competition for individual player sponsorship is at an all time high. Lucy “Bob” Hoskin raised the stakes significantly with confirmation of partnership with Krispy KremeTC via consumption of her personalised donut just before the team talk. Pip Evans has continued her partnership with NIKE despite a public dispute with the brand when they provided teammate Alice Brown with an identical pair of post-match trainers last years; Evans confirmed her resumed relationship with NIKE with a new pair of personalised “edgy” look for this year’s season. Team sponsor is yet to be confirmed but an unnamed Source has tipped off the team had a mint tea tree scent upon leaving the showers.

Challenge No. 3: Adjusting to National League perks
The team attempted to not look overwhelmed with the opposition’s pre-match refreshment selection. While captain Laura Wills confirmed The Badgers could match them on the biscuit selection, members of the team were left defeated by the high-tech hot drinks machine. The technology challenges continued minutes before push back when the facial recognition system failed, resulting in the match TD manually identifying individual players against their respective black and white photographs. The start of the game was delayed until the officials could confirm that Gemma Wilkinson is indeed ginger. The National League have also applied a strict no phones communication during match play. This posed a key challenge for Sam Marchant, self-proclaimed youngest coach in the National League, who was unable to communicate with his mum after the whistle; Sam confirmed during the pre-match team talk his mum continues to be his key confident for match advice, alongside clean washing, food shopping and a bedtime story.

With key challenges seemingly resolved, the game started as the Badgers looked set to make their mark on Ipswich by playing a seamless first quarter of hockey. As the first 17 minutes came to a close the game remained goalless but with momentum on the pink and blues side, the second quarter resumed and the Badgers were rewarded with their first short corner. Captain Wills came up with the goods, with a deceptive straight strike that perfectly slotted into the bottom left hand corner of the goal.
Broxbourne continued to pile on the pressure in Ipswich’s half of the pitch but were unable to convert as the teams headed into half time. The second half saw the opposition applying pressure by switching up their formation to concentrate the midfield line. However, a rock-solid performance by half backs Tor Stacey, Charlie Mills and Claire “Cat” Cattermole meant there was never any threat to the Broxbourne goal. Yet, Broxbourne were unable to capitalise on any further attacking play despite open play opportunities for Charlotte Skip and a high concentration of short corners.
As the third quarter came to a close, coach Marchant seemed to be under pressure to provide instruction on closing the game out. With the no phone rule restricting any further communication with his Mum, Marchant made the impromptu decision to instruct the forbidden “crash ball”. And so, the Crash Ball Games commenced, as the Ipswich defence were left dumbfounded as the Broxbourne midfield led crash ball after crash ball into the D, and struck gold when a right footed push pass from Alice Brown defeated not one, but two Ipswich players, and dropping on a thirds foot only for Kerri “Carry” Marshall to pick it up cool as a cucumber, and drop round the keeper and slot the ball neatly in the back of the goal to secure the Badgers’ lead.
However, the game was far from over as Ipswich piled on the pressure into the Broxbourne’s defending D, with Scarrott having to dive in for a block tackle only to end up with a yellow card. It seemed the Badgers were content on returning to their favourite formation of 9 vs. 11 as Kay Finch also took a yellow in the final minutes of the game. Finch, recently returned from a late pre-season altitude training trip, seemed to still be suffering from severe jet lag as she assumed the game was already over. Thankfully, excellent tracking back from forwards Meg (1) Boxall and Lauren Fixter ensured the Badgers maintained possession of the ball and saw out their national league debut with their first win, and three points.
While the Badger defence is yet to be truly tested, youngster and debutant Issy Gardiner’s composed performance has plied the team with confidence moving into next week’s top of the league clash at home with old rivals Brom Becks.