Gate shuts on Broxbourne

By Lisa Badger Banahan

Broxbourne travelled to Southgate on Saturday for the much anticipated East Conference tie. The media build up during the week focussed mainly on badgers coach Sam Marchant, having previously coached at Southgate but succeeding ex-coach Matt McDonnell at Broxbourne this season. Marchant was questioned relentlessly regarding being the “youngest coach in National league” at press conferences during the week, and revealed his tactic of wearing formal attire at training to mask his youthful appearance. He attributed the success of his training sessions solely to his stylist and long-term friend Jake’s attention to detail. Jake is a familiar face at Badger Field on Tuesday and Thursday nights, attending training to inspire new ideas for Marchant’s wardrobe and also to assess the functionality of his designs. Marchant split with previous stylist Hugo Boss after the company released their new tuxedo “The Crash Ball”, suitable for end of season formal celebrations. Marchant slammed the brand for encouraging low quality play near the opposition circle. Hugo Boss immediately signed men’s 2’s player Richard Wilkinson to endorse “The Crash Ball”, following a colourful performance from the veteran at the Badger Ball 2018.

The hostile Southgate balcony was not the only thorn in the Badger’s side in the game, with Central Defender Pip Evans amidst further sponsorship controversy. Her recent radio advert for Cornish Blue has been their most successful media campaign in years, with the tag line “The best blue cheese in its league” capturing the imagination of the nation. When sponsors caught word of the half time Port and Cheese at Southgate serving a rival blue cheese, Evans was forced to leave the pitch two minutes after the starting whistle to destroy evidence of the contraband cheese. Evans was spotted throwing cheese off the Southgate balcony, which angered match officials and further delayed her return to the field. Meanwhile, the Broxbourne defence were put off their game by Evans unruly behaviour, with Lisa Banahan slipping on a rogue piece of cheese as she lunged in for tackle and the resulting strike left keeper Izzy no chance. Southgate were one up at the end of the first quarter.

Broxbourne managed to regroup in the second quarter, and put Southgate under pressure, with Emily Wilkins opening up the centre of the field and winning a number of short corners. However, a couple of good saves meant the score remained at 1-0. Southgate were continuously dangerous on the break and themselves earned a couple of short corners, with Izzy Gardener making some excellent saves and captain Laura Wills keeping the straight strike at bay as first runner. Wills struggled to fend off questions from journalists as she exited the field at half time, regarding an incident involving her partner Will Fradley at a Hoddesdon residence that morning. Pictures of a scantily clad Fradley had just broken online during the game, but Wills refused to comment on any links between Fradley and a resident of Cranborne Road. Fradley’s squeeky clean reputation as a marathon runner is now coming into question, potentially jeopardising his good for age entries into Boston, Brighton, London and Tokyo marathons next Spring.

The second half saw the Badgers concede an early goal, as a speculative ball split the defence. Although the initial strike was saved, the rebound trickled in to give Southgate a 2-0 lead. The Badgers continued to create chances, earning three short corners in the second half, and looked sprightly despite the scoreline. Finch, Wills, Wilkinson were joined by Lucy “Bob” Hoskins in midfield this week, looking to use her infamous netball pivot in her new role. Hoskins steps in for Alice Brown, who was unavailable this week due to crime commitments with a London based gang. Her migration from the forward line to midfield also serves to relieve tension with fellow ginger forward Charlotte Skipp, who Hoskins claims still hasn’t messaged her to say she was home safely after a trip to the Olympic park.

The final quarter saw more controversy, with a penalty stroke awarded to Southgate and a yellow card for Tor Stacey. Fortunately, the flick went wide, but it wasn’t long before a break from Southgate resulted in another goal for the home side. The Badger forward line of Skipp, Marshall, Wilkinson, Boxall and Fixter continued to press hard for the rest of the game, and were rewarded with a consolation goal tapped in by the cat-like Kerri Marshall, minutes before the final whistle blew, resulting in a final score of 3-1. The Badgers thanked their numerous supporters at the game, with ex-coach Matt McDonnell taking time out of his world tour with CATS to come cheer the side on. He made sure to provide specific and valuable feedback to captain Laura Wills after the game, that there are “Things I could comment on, but I won’t”. Ever loyal Sam Gates appeared on the sideline and offered much needed words of consolation and encouragement following the game.

Problems on the team bus regarding temperature and visibility out the front windscreen resulted in an uncomfortable journey home for the badgers, but rumours of the driver being currently unlicensed have been firmly denied by a spokesperson at Broxbourne. They have also confirmed using CCTV footage that the bus never strayed from the correct lane, and any incidents that occurred were subject to illegal driving from other road users.

Next week, the Badgers take on Bedford at Badger Field. It has been 3 years since the sides have met, but the memories of an away tie with multiple transports incidents and photo shoots en route are not easily forgotten. Broxbourne will look to earn some valuable points at home, but it will no doubt prove to be a tough game in a competitive league.