“Badgers run out of time to clinch points from league leaders”

By Alice Brown

The doors at Badger Field opened again this weekend to welcome Wimbledon 2nd XI, the current league leaders with an impressive record in the East Conference this season, only dropping points in a draw vs. Bedford the previous week. However, the Badgers were on a high after securing a cup win over Barnes last Sunday, after being 2-0 down at half time to end it on a nail-biting penalty shootout.

That wasn’t the only shootout of the week, with the much-anticipated shuffle-off between goal keeper Izzy Gardiner and right mid Em Wilkins, which would put to bed who would redeem the infamous badger jumper after a tie for man of the match against Barnes. As the icy mist descended onto Badger field, it came down to the final shuffle from a best of three set: Gardiner chased down Wilkins to close off the route to goal and claim the blue woollen master piece for her own. Wilkins was so embarrassed she had to take the following day off work and hide out at her local cinema where she also papped ingesting not one, not two, but three pattys at the neighbouring McDonalds. The midfielder was also spotted at the pharmacy the following day procuring pain killers to address a roaring headache from severe dehydrating after consuming ten times the daily salt allowance.

On the theme of painful, the remainder Badgers attending Broxbourne Tennis Clubs annual quiz, where the squad divided into multiple teams. As the quiz concluded, tensions were high as teams were scratching for points to win the ultimate prize of pride. Alas, the Banahan-Hughes-Chapman dynamic partnership came under severe scrutiny from Evans Seniors due to lack of clarity on what side of the Korean border is responsible for a specific car manufacturing. The Anglo-Irish team were adamant on winning the point, citing the obvious nature of the answer; however, Evans Seniors refused to budge. Daughter and self-proclaimed best defender in the league, Pip Evans, was absent from Saturday’s game, with photo evidence of her in a library fact checking additional answers for the team to ensure her family’s win was secure*.

Elsewhere, fundraising efforts reached new heights this week after Superfan Sam Gates succeeded in completing his amazing sponsored wall climb. Claire “Cat” Cattermole, Kerri Marshall, Izzy Gardener and Laura Wills represented the Badgers at the event, with some attempting the climb, with varying degrees of success. Cattermole very much resembled her nickname in her attempt and proved that gaining height is not only a priority for her when baking scones. Laura Wills has always been a passionate fan of the film Titanic, and chose her moment to deliver her favourite line "I'll never let go, Jack", while suspended in mid-air. Her partner Will Fradley, one of the few survivors of the sinking of the Titanic still alive today, was also in attendance, and commented on the height reached by Wills on the wall being similar to one of the highest office buildings in the US, mentioning a particular Dubai based structure. Kerri Marshall shone in the climbing task and cited her regular climbs up the stairs to the dance floor in Popworld to have developed her skills in this area. But hero Sam Gates stole the show with his lightning quick scramble to the top, donning the Badger warm-up top and doing the team proud, and inspiring their performance against Wimbledon.

Team fashion director Jake's absence from the side-lines this week at training did not go unnoticed by the badgers, and Coach Sam Marchant was forced to make a statement pre game to end the widespread speculation regarding defender Lisa Banahan's ill-advised headband. The defender sported the headband initially in the away leg of the Barnes fixture, allegedly under advice from the fashionista, but was ridiculed by the opposition for a resemblance to Roger Federer. Banahan has downplayed the hit she has taken in terms of followers on Instagram, with Albus the rabbit the latest to shun the two-time player of the season. It was revealed that Jake is working on a project up north to streamline Marchant’s mittens, so that the Badgers can understand the number three more clearly with the necessary hand signals. Jake is likely to return to Badger field next week. Meanwhile Banahan's headband was destroyed under suspicious circumstances by a small ginger dog late Saturday night in Broxbourne. Jake has distanced himself from any involvement.

With pre-game antics aside, it was time for the big game itself with Broxbourne summoning their best tactics in hope of pulling points off the league leaders. Continuing their undefeated performance in the warm up, the Badgers were determined to come out strong in the first quarter. The performance was faultless, with Wimbledon at a loss on how to break out of the D and unable to break through the middle of the pitch, and became frustrated early on. The tempo continued in the second quarter with Wilkins cutting through the pitch to have multiple shots on goal, inches wide of finding the back board. However, Wimbledon took advantage of the aggressive pressing from the home side and started to chuck huge aerials behind the defending line, leading to a two-on-one at goal which they put away with a blink of an eye. Despite Broxbourne piling the pressure back on, the away team were awarded a contentious short corner, which was deflected in to the goal to put them up 2-0 at the close of the first half.

Broxbourne were facing a similar predicament as the week before and knew that they could come back from being two goals down and immediately came out swinging in the second half. They were rewarded in the third quarter with a penalty flick after a tackle on the goal line. Kay Finch, looking to promote her latest release of her autobiography, didn’t take a second look as she lunged forward to secure the goal in the back of the neck and put Broxbourne on the score board with five minutes left on the clock. It was the midfielder’s second success of the weekend after successfully naming all 50 states of America unaided**. The Badgers threw everything they had left, coming up with a short corner in the dying minutes of the game. However, with Gemma Wilkinson resting on the side-line ahead of an important Vets cup game on the Sunday, and Evans still stuck in the library, the infamous corner that have got Broxbourne out of many a sticky situation couldn’t be executed and was cleared by the Wimbledon defence. The game finished 2-1, with Broxbourne leaving another game without any points on the board and slipping back down the table toward relegation zone. They go back to the drawing board this week at training ahead of a crucial match against Horsham at the weekend, with only a point between the two teams.

*Footnote: The answer was South Korea, but for reference North Korea main exports include minerals, metallurgical products, manufactures (including armaments), textiles, virtual currencies, agricultural and fishery products.
**Factually incorrect, required multiple sources to support her final answer