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Sat 07 Dec 2019  ·  Investec Conference East
Broxbourne Hockey Club
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Southgate Ladies 1st XI
“Badgers gear up for mid-season election campaign”

“Badgers gear up for mid-season election campaign”

Laura Wills12 Dec 2019 - 21:10
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Broxbourne 1st vs. Southgate 1st XI (1-3) Saturday, 7th December 2019

By Alice Brown & Lisa Banahan

This weekend the Badgers closed out the first half of the domestic league season with a home game against local rivals Southgate, who they previously lost to under the watchful eye of ex-Coach Matt McDonnell. But the final home league game of 2019 wasn’t all that the home team were gearing up for this week, as preparations for Player of the Season 2020 election campaign got underway. In this week’s report we look across the Broxbourne 1st XI squad and see how election preparations are coming along.

First up, goalkeeper Izzy Gardiner who is looking to target the Gen Z population and has been seen coercing members of the opposition with prompt cards to support her first speech at a rally this coming Saturday which she is co-hosting with momager Sarah Gardiner. Substitution co-ordinator Gardiner was missing in action for Saturday’s game as she prepared for the family to host their rally stroke party this coming weekend.

Taking inspiration from the younger generation is OAP Gemma Wilkinson who is trying to prove to the masses she’s “still got it” by playing back to back games at the weekend. Unfortunately, her recent expose analysis of products that have unblocked her toilet have alienated climate conscious younger voters. The shocking statistic that the Wilkinson household was responsible for the death of 0.01% of the world’s global rainforest every year was revealed by Greta Thunberg at the UN climate change conference, where she later dampened Wilkinson’s chances in the runnings by tweeting “Every election is a climate change election” earlier today.

Also featuring in this week’s cup game was Kerri (i) Marshall who has been leveraging her Northern roots for the votes this week by bringing her support team with her to the games. Marshall has been trying to downplay her attachment to the South by pouring gravy on all her pre and post-match meals, and requesting “Maggie Thatcher, milk snatcher” on the pre-match playlist.

The final veteran trying to strum up support this week is left back Lisa Banahan, who took a dive in the poles earlier in the week after being caught slandering a fellow colleague at a Regional Maths Challenge. Banahan also came under scrutiny for her lack of diversity in the squad selection and was deemed a fraud by BAME activists over her Kenyan- Argentinian claimed roots, with the opportunity of a third Player of the Season seemingly slipping out of her clutches.

Kay Finch’s campaign took a turn for the worst as she was eliminated from the final 2019 league game during an incident at training after a run in with Wilkinson, leading to a broken leg. Rumours at the Badger Field are that teammates co-ordinated the foul to ensure the midfielder was delayed in publishing her election special chapter of “A Pinch of Finch”, in the hope of boosting votes across readers.

Captain Laura Wills denied any involvement in the incident with Finch and has been riding high since profiling her medical skills earlier in the month, despite another mis-diagnosis of a broken bone at training during the week. The midfielder claimed that if she were to win Player of The Season she would look to transfer her medical skillset into politics, assessing Brexit as “Just a Bruise” on the economy.

Becky “Bench” Scarrott has been avoiding politics chat after her Grandmother, and head of Badger Knitwear, Hazel Cox was accused of promoting Tory voters with her all blue jumper selection. Scarrott meanwhile is looking to pick up from where she left of as Player of the Season 2018 by targeting fans via Cross Fit propaganda. However, her ongoing strained relationship with the media team has prevented her campaign from getting to the start line when she boycotted an interview to be featured in last week’s match programme. Speaking at the pre-match press conference Scarrott confirmed her decline of the extended olive branch was in response to the media team body shaming her cat, Dr Travis Pepper, on social media.

Claire “Cat” Cattermole also had concerns this week with her vote of confidence as it emerged she had a mole in the camp by way of her very own father. Cattermole senior has been leaking vital campaign information to the press, including telling his daughter about her engagement before she even knew of it herself. However, Cattermole’s two secret weapons of her disguised pass and pup Oscar is likely to keep her in the race.

Charlie Mills has been busy securing votes across the club this season by playing for multiple teams. The half back has devoted her time to both the first and second team this year, and beyond that continues to demonstrate her nocturnal abilities by setting up campaign throughout the night. Mills has been an excellent addition to Team Ginger this year; however, she admitted in recent press release that she’s been very cautious to avoid being caught up in the fake ginger hysteria triggered by this season’s Vadger wig.

Pip Evans has been struggling to distance herself from Cambridge Analytica and focus on her manifesto in the launch of her campaign, with the cyber company allegedly having been instrumental in her election of "best defender in the league" last season - targeting undecided voters on the East Hockey website. News that an England hockey investigation will take place into the entire election campaign could not have come at a worse time for the defender, with any unconstitutional manoeuvres potentially resulting in impeachment of prize winners. Evans has denied any association with the company, despite their offices being adjacent to her research laboratory in Cambridge throughout her four-year phd. Evans has been clear however on her attitude to Brexit, gaining her some come back in the polls as one of the few remain candidates, with catchy slogan "If you can’t do it, don’t do it".

Labour candidate Alice Brown has been emphasising the similarities between herself and ex-prime minister Gordon Brown this week to gain her some momentum in the polls. Both started out as amateur journalists before their rise to power, both also brought about fiscal reform, for Gordon in terms of the British economy, and for Alice in terms of the Badger fines bureau de change. Both have had testing dealings with dictatorships, for Gordon with the rise of North Korean leader Kim Jun Il, and for Alice the rise of media dictator Will Fradley. Keen to target the votes of farmers in the north of the country, she has campaigned to reduce the stigma attached the word "slurry", using it creatively in match reports. The 16th choice short corner injector has pledged to join forces with Scotland Yard and also Herfordshire's PC Ford to seriously tackle crime, specifically thefts in sports car parks, as a priority if elected Player of the Season.

Liberal Democrat Tor Stacey has been keeping the media at arm’s length so far this campaign (which for her is quite a large distance), resulting in a failure to gain the expected advances in the polls following her unexpected goal saving shave tackle against Canterbury. However, in a recent interview she has slammed rival candidate Lisa Banahan, accusing the fellow defender of running a negative campaign, with Banahan having hinted to the media covering the Canterbury fixture that Stacey "Would never represent GB" at this stage in her career. Stacey has openly criticised Banahan's policies on half way line short corner defence, describing her strategies as "running scared" from South American free-trade treaty negotiations. Stacey continues to rehabilitate her public image as a patriot, after admitting that she does not tune in to the Queen's speech at Christmas if Top Gun is being shown another channel.

Lucy "Bob" Hoskins is a dead cert to secure the ginger vote, after campaigning tirelessly all year for equal fines for all hair colours. Her "Fair Fines" campaigns has hit social media by storm, with the forward trialling diverse hairstyles at training to draw media attention. Voters admit to having been drawn in by her positivity, with numerous snaps on Instagram of her giving the thumbs up in recent weeks.

Emily Wilkins has made an exceptional start to her campaign, targeting the tricky issue of the Irish border in the context of England hockey to gain popularity in the polls. Her recent claim of having a (much younger) Irish sister remains unsubstantiated; however, the midfielder has been accused of claiming false Irish relatives to suggest she would never introduce checks at a border in the Irish sea of imported sponsorship goods for hockey players. Although she has recently been spotted in the company of a much younger Irish girl, she has yet to produce any hard evidence of shared paternity. Local papers have commented it’s unlikely they are related, going on the discrepancy in the number of chins owned by the individuals, subject to photographical scrutiny by genetic experts.

Hot off the press is Charlotte Skip who returned to the Badger field this week after her mix up of league dates. A left winger by position and politics, Skip has been looking outside of hockey to use her celebrity family and high-profile relationships to gain votes. However, dining across various high-end establishments with partner “Gorgeous George” across the last few months has left her campaign trail in tatters with previous supporters claiming it contradicts her stance on social egalitarianism.

There’s been high anticipation in the media for the presence of Meg1 in the Christmas Badgercast episode this coming weekend. Despite previously criticising the media team’s sound quality, Meg1 has turned a cheek as she looks to influence voters from the Badger Set. However, Meg1 is remaining tight lipped about what she will reveal during the interview, to avoid the media team leveraging her podcast status to gain votes for themselves.

Who wins, only time will tell. In other news the Badgers lost their final league game of 2019 to Southgate 3-1, but a match up against Surbiton 2nd XI in the second round of the cup beckons this weekend, where Broxbourne will be looking to finish the end of 2019 on a high.

Match details

Match date

Sat 07 Dec 2019

Kickoff

14:30

Competition

Investec Conference East

League position

3
Southgate Ladies 1st XI
9
Broxbourne Ladies 1st XI
Team overview
Further reading