Fresh off a festive diet of mince pies, cheese boards and far too much wine, the Badgers waddled back into Badgerden after a six-week hiatus, ready (emotionally unprepared but spiritually willing) to cause havoc against local rivals Bishop's Stortford. With Stortford sitting just below Broxbourne at half-season, this one was always going to have the spectators falling off the edge of their seats.

Coach Az arrived looking far too serious for January and immediately announced a Wednesday Parents' Evening for first-half season reviews. Collective fear rippled through the squad. Faces dropped. Some avoided eye contact. We're still not sure what's coming, but we do know that eight of us were specifically told to "just be better"! Clear. Concise. Terrifying.

Tunes blaring, we marched out for the first push-back, only to be immediately outdone by Stortford's new speaker (clearly showing off their new Christmas presents).

Fortunately for them, victory was theirs as our OG 1 wheeled speaker died mid-playlist. Turns out Dancing Squashy, official Keeper of the Speaker™️, hadn't charged it over Christmas. She claimed the charger had turned into a Sherlock Holmes mystery after five weeks of searching only to be discovered in one of the players' cars. Names withheld. Consequences pending.

Things didn't improve when the Badgers lost the toss, handing first push-back to Stortford on a plate as easily as it was for us to stack up ours with mince pies.

But what came next completely rattled them.

Broxbourne came out flying. Stortford's cries for help echoed across the pitch as they desperately searched for ex-Broxbourne coach Panners... who was nowhere to be seen. Just tumbleweed. Silence. No response.

The breakthrough came with some unreal play down the line from Chapman, who slipped the ball across to Miss Hyrox herself, Paris Gasson, calmly slotting it away with a wall ball celebration to give the Badgers a deserved 1-0 lead.

A slight wobble followed in the third quarter when Stortford equalised with a top-bins finish from Dr Wills-who, crucially, hadn't realised we'd swapped ends. A strong early contender for Donkey of the Day.

Cue the response?????

After a brief regroup (and Coach Az actually responding to our cries for once), Paris struck again with a stunning one-two with Luka. Lara to restore the lead and settle the nerves.

Chaos then ensued when V. Boulton swapped basketball for hockey was perfectly placed for another goal, only for Captain Ellie-overcome with passion and absolutely no self-control, to boot the ball clean off the pitch instead. She was immediately rotated, sent to the naughty corner, and told to think about her actions.

Despite the own-goal-adjacent moment from Dr Wills, Ellie was awarded Donkey (harsh but fair). She'll return next weekend looking 10 years younger against Dereham with two spacebuns.

Player of the Match once again went to Lily, who pulled off continuous, unreal saves to keep us firmly in control.

Final score: vibes high, lessons learned,
Parents' Evening looming.

Mens 3s vs Harpenden 2 - 3-0 win
Goal scorers: Harrison L, Cranners & Sam S
Assists: KP, Reggie & Russ
Player: Hugh & Cranners
Donkey: KP

No match report.

Away Fixtures

Ladies 3s vs Stevenage 2 - Postponed

Ladies 2s vs Braintree 1 - 4-1 loss
Goal scorer: Grace R
Assist: Sophie
Player: Grace C
Donkey: Jess

A frosty away day greeted the Broxbourne Badgers Ladies 2s as we ventured to Braintree, where conditions were so cold they required a pre-match intervention from our official weather correspondent, Sue. With a stern warning of a “feels like minus two”, skins were recommended, endorsed, and quietly judged if absent.

Despite arriving in good time, team harmony was immediately tested when Jess Iszatt — BBC Radio 1 presenter and, somehow, villain of the piece — was unfairly voted Donkey of the Day. Her crime? Taking a different, more efficient and more expensive train to the game. Meanwhile, Emily Boxall arrived later after going to the wrong address and enjoying a relaxed cuppa with the locals, proving once again that punctuality is flexible if you’re charming enough.

The match itself saw Braintree, a well-drilled top-of-the-league side, demonstrate exactly why they sit where they do. Three frankly outrageous goals were conceded in the first half, including a very slickly executed penalty flick that left us admiring it despite ourselves.

Tempers flared following a couple of minor head injuries on both sides, resulting in an animated discussion involving the Braintree goalkeeper and the umpire. Not that the opposition goalie was short of action — moments later, a beautifully threaded ball out of the Broxbourne defence found Evie, who carried it confidently through midfield before slipping it to Grace in the D. A decisive strike smashed the backboard, delivering a defiant clap-back goal and giving the lower half of the table Badgers some much-needed hope.

Half time brought fresh challenges as Charlotte’s shoelace broke, a setback no one had planned for. Fortunately, newcomer Sophie, recently transferred in from Wales, injected extra pace and energy through the midfield — possibly fuelled by national pride.

An empowering team talk from the leadership trio of Gemma, Darcy and Meg clearly landed, as Braintree were limited to just one goal in the final minutes of the second half, bringing the score to a respectable 4–1 at full time.

Post-match fines descended into chaos once again when Isobel forgot the key to the fines tin, thwarting 20p penalties across the board. However, justice was served at teas, where Donkey of the Day (still unjustly) Jess Iszatt was forced to don the infamous donkey cloak and perform an embarrassing twirl for the room. The garment itself can only be described as a baby blue, badger-themed, Traitors-style cloak — a look that will sadly live rent-free in everyone’s minds.

Finally, with Sassy Sue turning 40, all roads now lead to what is being billed as the party of the year. Frostbite forgotten, celebrations imminent.

Match report submitted under protest by your Donkey of the Day.

Mens 4s vs Stevenage 4 - 4-0 win
Goal scorers: Harrison M, Rich Mellor, Stapes & Kieran P
Assists: Trev Mellor, Danny G, Noah & Kieran P
Player: Harrison M
Donkey: SP
Cards: SP (green)

It was a bit of a surprise that Saturday afternoon’s match between Badgers 4s and Stevenage at Alfred Nobel School was called on after all previous matches were cancelled but it proved a good call as the pitch was perfectly playable, albeit pretty chilly.

The match commenced with Badgers immediately taking charge of the game and showing few signs of festive season hangovers / weight gains / rustiness. We kept possession really well, moving the ball around effectively and quickly between defence, midfield and attack and creating a number of chances. With a bit more composure in front of goal we could have been three up within the first 15 minutes but the goal proved elusive, so it was with a bit of relief that we finally found the net when Harrison knocked in from close range after good work down the right flank.

However, this seemed to spur on the opposition as they had their best spell of the match and put us under a bit of pressure. They almost equalised from a short corner when a clean strike came back off the post which gave us a bit of a wake-up call, regaining control of possession and getting our reward with a strike from Trevor just before half-time.

The second half continued in the same vein and it wasn’t long until Stapes Snr found the net with a good strike. We continued creating many chances but only one more was taken by Kieron P, with our dominance reflected by the fact that Ryan in goal was not forced to make a save in the entire match. What was really pleasing was how the rotation of the 16 player squad worked so well, with subs coming on and maintaining team formation, tempo and quality. Special mention has to go to Symon who came on late in the second half but managed to make himself unchallenged for Donkey of the Day by getting a green card (harshly, to be fair) and missing two open goals in the space of 10 minutes!

Fantastic efforts again from the squad.

Ladies 4s vs Blueharts 5 - Postponed

Mens 1s vs Cambridge City 1 - Postponed

Sunday 11th January

Home Fixtures

Mixed vs Hampstead & Westminster - Postponed

Coming up this weekend

Saturday 17th January

Home Fixtures
10am - Ladies 3s vs Bishop's Stortford 5
11.30am - Mens 3s vs Bishop's Stortford 3
1pm - Ladies 2s vs Bishop's Stortford 2
2.30pm - Mens 4s vs Harpenden 4
4pm - Ladies 4s vs Letchworth 4
6pm - Mens 1s vs Bishop's Stortford 1

Away Fixtures
10.30am - Ladies 5s vs Letchworth 5
12pm - Ladies 1s vs Dereham 1
3pm - Mens 2s vs Bishop's Stortford 2
3pm - Mens 5s vs Saffron Walden 8 Dev

Sunday 18th January

Home Fixtures
1.30pm - Mixed vs Hampstead & Westminster (rearranged)

Away Fixtures
1pm - Women's O45s vs Amersham & Chalfont