Under a blazing sun that has not been witnessed for some time, Broxbourne Ladies 3’s welcomed Saffron Walden for the penultimate clash of the season. The last time these two sides met, the elements themselves had declared war — wind, rain, cold, and everything in between — forcing a hard-fought nil-nil draw that felt less like hockey and more like survival training. This time, however, the Force felt different.

After the disappointment of last week, the squad arrived determined to produce a scoreline worthy of the progress they’ve built throughout the season. With Tors stepping in to take over logistical captaincy duties — supported by the rest of the leadership council — reinforcements were called in. Callia and Meg Harries answered the call, joining the ranks, and after weeks of banter, roasting, and podcast call-outs, the team were honoured to finally welcome the second podcast host to the pitch itself: Lisa Bannahan, no less. The squad was complete. The mission was clear.

As Rach was armed with the notebook of intricate substitutions that Cerys, who had stepped up as match day captain had produced, the whistle blew.

Broxbourne began the first half slowly, with Saffron Walden looking to use the early momentum. For the first five to ten minutes, the visitors pressed hard, testing the defence and probing for weaknesses. But once Broxbourne settled, the balance shifted.
Meg Harries tore down the line with the pace of a cheetah m, locking in the opening goal and putting Broxbourne ahead. The breakthrough ignited the team, and the pressure mounted. Soon after, Laura unleashed a thunderous strike from a short corner — the kind of shot that defenders have no chance of stopping— doubling the lead.

Callia was next to etch her name into the match report, perfectly positioned on the post as always, calmly tapping in to make it three. Clinical, composed, inevitable.

Saffron Walden refused to fade quietly and pulled one back before the break, leaving the score at 3–1 at half time and the contest still alive.

The half-time team talk was short, sharp, and full of belief. The message was simple: finish the job.

Broxbourne came out for the second half with renewed energy, moving the ball with confidence and purpose. Then came the moment the crowd will talk about for podcasts to come (well possibly this week).
One word… Cerys.

What followed was less a scoring run and more a demonstration of pure attacking power. The play went end to end, and credit to Saffron Walden for never backing down, but every time the ball entered Broxbourne’s attacking D, the finishing was ruthless. Four goals, each one a screamer, each one unstoppable. There was no containing our centre forward — only watching as the scoreboard ticked higher.
Broxbourne were unlucky not to see the total climb to eight, as the final whistle blew just as Hannah was about to tap the ball over the line. Fate, it seems, decided seven was the chosen number.

Saffron Walden did manage one more late consolation, a deflection off Tor’s shin pad looping past the keeper, but the result was never in doubt.

Final score: 7–2 to Broxbourne.

Player and Champagne moment to Cerys.

Donkey to Tara for leaving the game early to go to Saffron Walden to get a haircut!

A brilliant win in the sunshine, full of teamwork, laughter, and the kind of performance that ends with hugs, smiles, and a team photo worthy of the closing scene.

The Force was strong with Broxbourne this week.

Mens 4s vs Rickmansworth 3 - 3-0 win
Goal scorers: Harrison, Symon & P Stapes
Assists: P Stapes & Trev
Player: Henry S
Donkey: Andy H

# ? Nepo Babies Do It Again for Broxbourne 4s

Some people spend Saturday mornings doing sensible things. Shopping. Gardening. Fixing the shed.

Broxbourne 4s instead gathered at Badger Fields to play Rickmansworth. And before the match even began, Trevor delivered what can only be described as a motivational speech. The theme was simple: move the ball wide, support each other and pass quickly.

All of this while suffering from a hangover of such heroic proportions that most people would require medical supervision and a darkened room.

Remarkably, the team listened.

And the match started quickly.

Joseph was charging down the right flank like a man who had been accidentally plugged into the National Grid. Harrison was doing roughly the same thing down the left. Between them they stretched the Rickmansworth defence until it began to resemble an overstuffed suitcase.

Meanwhile in goal, Logan — called up from the 5s after Ryan had been promoted to the 3s — settled in nicely. Calm. Organised. Confident.

In fact, for much of the game he looked like **probably the most relaxed goalkeeper in Hertfordshire… possibly the country… and quite possibly the world.**

Ryan, meanwhile, had been promoted to the 3s but continued to loiter around the pitch like a teenager outside a newsagent hoping someone might buy him something.

Any further loitering and an ASBO may have been required. And while David Cameron once suggested we should “hug a hoodie”, Broxbourne HC has made it clear that this policy does **not** extend to goalkeepers — particularly since goalkeepers possess what can politely be described as a very distinctive aroma.

Broxbourne soon won a short corner.

Simon Prentice stepped up.

There was a swing.

There was a noise.

And there was absolutely no contact whatsoever with the ball.

It was an air shot of such purity that it could only really be described as something more usually seen at the Windmill Theatre.

And as the ball drifted away harmlessly, chants normally reserved for the Six Nations began echoing around Badger Fields.

“Swing Low… Sweet Chariot…”

Prentice briefly raised his arms as though the whole thing had been intentional.

Then came the moment.

Henry Staples drove forward down the right before slipping the ball to his father, Paul Staples — creating a father-and-son combination not seen since the glory days of Nigel Hopson and the Hopson boys back in 2005.

Henry passed reluctantly.

Because he knew exactly what was coming next.

Staples Senior wound up.

And unleashed a tomahawk shot so ferocious it struck the backboard with a sound usually associated with controlled demolitions. Post-match analysis later confirmed the strike had the destructive capability of a bunker-buster.

Yes. Even at his age… he can still get that low.

After that the game slowed slightly. Possession changed hands repeatedly. Passes went astray. The rhythm disappeared.

For a while Broxbourne slipped back into some old habits and the game idled along like a diesel tractor in January.

But then Harrison and Henry combined again with some quick interplay before driving into the circle. What followed resembled a full-scale riot. Sticks everywhere. Bodies everywhere. It looked less like hockey and more like a supermarket opening on Black Friday.

Eventually a Rickmansworth defender stopped the ball on the line with his foot.

Penalty flick.

Prentice stepped forward again and this time — instead of auditioning for the Windmill Theatre — he smashed the ball into the top left corner with clinical precision.

Rickmansworth attempted a response but Logan in goal had reached the stage of supreme confidence normally reserved for airline pilots. At one point he allowed a shot to bounce off the post before casually turning away as though the whole thing had been part of a carefully planned demonstration.

The second half brought a series of Broxbourne short corners. The problem was the team’s carefully rehearsed routine kept collapsing, leaving Henry Staples in the number-one shooting position.

At one point he unleashed a ferocious strike.

Staples Senior attempted a deflection.

Later claims from Henry that the shot had been heading perfectly into the goal were quickly dismissed once the imaginary slow-motion replay was analysed. Yes, the shot had the speed of a bullet.

But the accuracy?

That of a dyslexic pigeon.

Then came the third goal.

Joseph and Henry combined beautifully before Henry once again found his father — who by this stage had remained up front largely because he was still trying to catch his breath and had forgotten he was supposed to be in midfield.

Staples Senior burst into the D and fired again.

The keeper saved.

But Harrison was waiting and swept the ball home with the sort of finish that could only be described as **probably the most reliable rebound finish at Badger Fields… in the world.**

Elsewhere Luke continued his remarkable weaving runs through midfield using what appears to be only one functioning arm — making him less *Cool Hand Luke* and more **One-Armed Bandit.**

Trevor meanwhile rediscovered several hockey skills he had apparently last used around 2001. Whether this sudden improvement was due to adrenaline, muscle memory or the promise of a post-match cigarette remains unclear.

Andy Harris then produced the afternoon’s most baffling moment when he lined up for the restart…

Without his stick.

Several jokes could have been made about advancing years but in the interests of sensitivity we simply awarded him **Dick of the Day.**

Danny’s recent growth in midfield has also been impressive. In only his second full season he is becoming a calm and reliable presence in the centre of the pitch, and it was great to see another father-and-son pairing out there as Broxbourne continues its proud tradition of family hockey.

Now, Henry Staples.

Some say he can hold the ball up longer than a Heathrow delay.
Some say his sprint speed is measured not in miles per hour but in geological time.

All we know is…

**he’s called Henry Staples.**

And after a performance full of clever play, strong runs and constant pressure, the team reached a rare unanimous decision.

**Henry Staples was Man of the Match.**

---

## The Verdict

Joseph and Harrison dominated the wings.
Danny and Trevor controlled midfield.
Logan looked utterly unbothered in goal.

And somewhere on the pitch, Andy Harris eventually located his stick.

Which just leaves one final thought.

**On that bombshell… time for a beer.**

Ladies 2s vs Crostyx 1 - 4-1 loss
Goal scorer: Bethany
Player: Baz & Emily R
Donkey: Sophie

No match report.

Mens 3s vs Blueharts 4 - 9-1 loss
Goal scorer: KP
Assist: Stu
Player: Hayden
Donkey: Hayden

The Curse of the Number 9:
It was all quiet on the men’s captain chat—until Wednesday. Then, like a glitch in the matrix, the loop began again. AJ and Ruddy were dispatched to the 2s as the captains desperately scrambled to find them a full eleven. An away match at Bedford was never going to offer any temptation.
By Friday, the script hit its familiar snag: Ruddy suddenly needed to work. Cue the desperate pleas to the squads. Hugh and Fresh answered the call, though neither managed the full 70 minutes—for "reasons" that the 2s match report will undoubtedly recount in its own unique way.

As for the 3s, the lineup looked somewhat more familiar than last week. However with Shingley Si still missing from goal, Ryan BA (junior) bravely stepped up from the 4s to face the recurring onslaught. He was joined by Bourke and Shane, ostensibly to "bolster" the team. That was the pitch, anyway. Little did Bourke know he was destined to spend the entire 70 minutes trapped in the center-back position, a localized time loop of defensive desperation.
First Half: The Downward Spiral.
Having won the reverse fixture 5-2, and with KP returning to the team, the tactics were a masterpiece of oversimplification: Score more goals than them.
The universe, however, had other plans. Ten minutes in, a ball played across the face of the goal was bundled in by Kieron. Unfortunately, it was at the wrong end. An own goal to set the tone.
The game hovered at 1-0 until the 25th minute, and then the "Rule of 9" began to take hold. In a blur, 1-0 rapidly cascaded into 5-1 when the halftime whistle blew. But that hid the fact that Blueharts had been awarded a penalty flick making it 6-1 before the teams returned for the 2nd half.
Our only consolation was delivered by a well drilled short corner neatly tucked away by KP.
Halftime atmosphere: Imagine an angry Cranners, an irate KP, and a distraught Ryan. Best you fill in the blanks.
The Unbreakable Rule:
The second half was marginally better, if only because we managed to avoid double figures, despite KP deciding to take a breather on the opposite sideline leaving everyone totally confused. We stopped at 9-1.
Why the obsession with the number 9? Perhaps it’s the madness of writing these reports for a full season, or perhaps it’s to subtly distract the reader from a dismal performance and fill the void. Whatever it is the Unbreakable Rule of 9 is:
• Take any number.
• Multiply it by 9.
• Sum the digits of the result and keep doing so until you have 1 digit.
• The answer is always 9.
No matter how you spin it, we were thrashed.
Next week, we may be off to Vauxhall. We shall see.
The Verdict:
The Player and Donkey awards both found their way to Hayden. After confidently asserting his knee was cured, he immediately broke down during the warm-up. An obvious Donkey but was it actually a stroke of genius to avoid being part of this 9-goal annihilation?

Away Fixtures

Ladies 5s vs Welwyn Garden City 3 - 2-1 loss
Goal scorer: Daniela
Assist: Tess
Player: Teagan & Shannon
Donkey: Hannah

Match report pending.

Ladies 4s vs Bishop’s Stortford 7 - 7-0 loss
Player: Ella & Kirsty
Donkey: Ivy

On Saturday the Ladies 4s ventured up to Bishops Stortford for an early meet against the league leaders, Bishops Stortford 7s. The morning started with some excitement as the game was nearly cancelled due to a frosty pitch. A few players had already started planning their extra hour in bed… but sadly those dreams were quickly crushed when the pitch inspection declared it playable. Hockey before lie-ins — the real tragedy of the morning.

After a team talk and a hype-up from Lisa, the team got down to the really important business of the morning: reviewing the facilities. A respectable 7/10 overall. Extra points for the very small toilets, which made Ivy feel unusually tall for once. However, points were deducted for the lack of mirrors, a toilet flush with absolutely no stamina, and the complete absence of flowers. Standards must be maintained.

With the important admin complete, the 4s headed out onto the pitch. It was a sunny but chilly morning, perfect conditions for some fun hockey in the penultimate game of the season against the league leaders.

The game started strongly with Brox keeping the ball in Stortford’s end and applying early pressure. Unfortunately, Stortford’s defence held firm, and, after a few quick breaks, they managed to find the back of the goal. Brox kept the energy high — even after Sarah was firmly instructed by the umpire on how to take a free hit. Apparently, it had to be taken from the white line… which would have been very helpful if anyone knew which white line. The mystery remains unsolved.

By roughly the half of the half — which we believe is a legitimate hockey time measurement — the score was 3–0, and the first half eventually finished 5–0 to the home side.

Despite the scoreline, the half-time team talk stayed positive. With some encouraging words and a strategic distribution of sweets, the 4s went back out with their heads high and ready to give it everything.

The second half started well, with some great runs from the midfield creating attacking chances. The defence had been told to tightly mark their centre forward, who seemed very pleased with the attention — her head may even have grown slightly bigger than Ella’s. Luckily, Jane quickly brought things back down to earth with a well-timed talking-to.

Both teams continued to push hard, with plenty of effort and determination across the pitch. Unfortunately for Broxbourne, the game finished 7–0 to the league leaders. The final two goals included a tidy tap-in from the Stortford attack and as if Alisha hadn’t seen enough of the ball during the match, Ivy thought she would give her one more look and deflected it past her, close enough for Alisha to count the dimples on the ball before it hit the net. What a great goal from our defender – does it count in the Fantasy league??

The Teas
The teas received strong reviews all round, with options for everyone: veggies, vegans, gluten-free and meat eaters. The only feedback was that the lasagne could have used a little more béchamel sauce, according to Jo. Also, it remains unclear whether this was a positive or negative comment, but the garlic bread smelled VERY strong. You could probably locate it from the car park.

Player of the Match
Player went to Ella and Kirsty for their incredible running and energy throughout the game.

Donkey of the Match
Donkey very deservedly went to Ivy for her truly memorable own goal. A finish many strikers would be proud of.

Special Thank Yous
A big thank you to the Bishops Stortford photographer for the lovely photos, and to our fantastic supporters for keeping the noise and encouragement going throughout the game.

Ladies 1s vs Bury St Edmunds 1 - 2-0 loss
Player: Lydia
Donkey: Ellie

For the second-to-last game of the season, the Badgers packed their bags, put on their finest pink kit, and made the long pilgrimage up to Culford School to face relegated Bury St Edmunds.

The ladies arrived in high spirits, full of good vibes and questionable energy levels for a Saturday morning. There was a real sense that the Badgers were ready to tear up the turf… or at the very least mildly inconvenience it.

As usual, the arrivals were somewhat chaotic. Meg T made a late appearance, due to thankfully a quick one this time. Martha, in what can only be described as a miracle, finally remembered to bring the Wheel of Misfortune after roughly 20 games of forgetting it existed entirely.
Meanwhile Bench entertained us by belting out the lateness song with the emotional intensity of an Adele stadium tour.

Paris, clearly sensing Olympic year approaching, broke out some breakdance moves whilst getting ready that suggested she’s been secretly training to challenge Raygun for gold in 2028.

Pre-match preparations continued with Ellie’s team talk, which took a slightly unconventional direction this week. In an attempt to boost morale and confidence, everyone was handed a Player of the Match sticker before the game had even started. This had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Ellie couldn’t actually read Az’s extensive list of tactical notes due to being aggressively dyslexic and staring at the page like it was written in ancient hieroglyphics.

In hindsight, she probably should have handed the floor over to the professional (Becky carrott), but where’s the fun in that?

As a result of this slightly chaotic leadership structure, the Badgers emerged onto the pitch with approximately 15 minutes to go until pushback.

Az himself was still nowhere to be seen at this point, as he was busy supervising detention where students were reportedly writing four full A4 pages of the phrase:
“Just be better.”

The only thing keeping the team warm before the game was the glorious sunshine, because the stick and ball warm-up lasted roughly the same amount of time it takes Vic to kiss a guy on the stairs.

Despite this highly scientific preparation, the Badgers started brightly and fought hard against a Bury side that seemed to be playing with the emotional intensity of a desperate girlfriend trying to win her boyfriend back… after Vic had already stolen him and run away to New Zealand.

The game itself was ok, with some levels of good play here and there. But unfortunately Bury managed to claw their way to winning the game, converting two short corners.

After the final whistle, the team were very much looking forward to a refreshing shower to wash off the sweat, the disappointment, and whatever it was that had just happened on the pitch.

Sadly this dream was short-lived.

Emma Wilkins had sprinted into the changing rooms ahead of everyone else and used approximately 100% of the available hot water, meaning the rest of the team were treated to the refreshing experience of an ice-cold shower.

As a result, the Badgers arrived at the Culford clubhouse smelling only marginally better than Martha’s bib, which, as we all know, has developed its own ecosystem at this point.

Despite the slightly questionable hygiene levels, spirits remained high as the team reflected on another entertaining afternoon of hockey.

Player of the Match went to Lydia, for an unreal attitude, brilliant play throughout the game, and for kindly carrying everyone’s sticks. Not because she was late… but purely because she’s just that nice.

Donkey of the Day was (very unfairly) awarded to Ellie, whose main crime was laughing too hard at Bench marginally funny joke.

All in all, another classic Badgers away day — questionable organisation, elite vibes, and just enough hockey to justify the journey.

Attention now turns to the final game of the season next weekend, followed immediately by what is widely expected to be the real headline event where the Badgers will be trading shin pads for champagne and assembling as a beautifully chaotic line-up of bridesmaids for the BHC social.

Mens 5s vs Berko & Hemel 6 Dev - conceded

Mens 1s vs Pelicans 1 - 5-4 loss
Goal scorers: TBC
Assists: TBC
Player: TBC
Donkey: TBC

Same old Broxbourne….

Broxbourne’s men’s 1st team embarked on the treacherous trip to Pelicans with an a rather tight squeeze on the minibus as Toby House returned into the squad taking up more seats than he’d care to admit.

The journey there was joyful however moods quickly deteriorated due to the large amount of sweaty underpants occupying the changing room/sauna. Despite this Weissen rallied the troops with a truly inspirational speech but once again moods were knocked as the Young Toby House decided he would cream his legs showcasing a figure reminiscent of Gloria from Madagascar.

The Badgers arrived on the pitch with a rather hungover Chris Hopson making the warm up all about himself having all 22 players, 2 umpires and all 42 peliconian fans looking for his phone.

The Game was played, goals were scored by both teams, both goalkeepers were class& silly Hoppo scored another Brace.

Apparently Broxbourne are always cheating but to those small minded pelicans you can GFY

UTB

Ed Captain for club captain

Mens 2s vs Bedford 3 - 6-0 loss
Player: Baller
Donkey: Lance & AJ
Cards: Fresh (yellow), Satwick & Lance (green)

*The Mystery of the Missing Players & Goals*

*All participants have been anonymised in this fictitious version of events other than it is safe to say we did play some part of the match with only seven members on the pitch and that the final score is accurate*

The mood in the garden shed was a little more somber than usual. Even the ginger cake Janet had brought didn't seem quite as sweet. After the password ("Chocolate Biscuit") was whispered and the door was bolted, Peter sat on the wooden crate and sighed.
"It’s no use pretending," Peter said, looking at his muddy hockey boots. "The match against Bedford Hockey Club was a proper disaster."

*A Difficult Start*

The game at the Broxbourne pitches had started under a grey, drizzly sky. The Seven were ready in their dark blue socks, sticks at the ready, but Bedford was a tremendously fast team. Before the Seven had even settled into their positions, the Bedford center-forward had zoomed through the defense.
* The First Quarter: A quick flick of the wrist and the ball was in the net. 1–0.
* The Second Quarter: Despite Jack sprinting until he was red in the face, Bedford scored twice more.

*The Score Mounts Up*

By half-time, the Secret Seven were three goals down. Pam and Barbara had tried their best to mark the Bedford players, but it was like trying to catch shadows in the fog!
> "They’re playing like greased lightning!" Colin whispered as they sucked on sour lemons during the break.
>
The second half wasn't much better. George made a magnificent tackle near the circle, but the Bedford team was just too well-drilled. Every time the Seven tried to push forward, a Bedford stick was there to intercept the ball.

*The Final Tallies*

The goals seemed to fly into the Broxbourne net with alarming regularity:
* Goal 4: A stinging shot from the top of the D.
* Goal 5: A lucky deflection off a stray pebble.
* Goal 6: A last-minute scramble just before the final whistle.

*Final Result: Bedford 6 – Broxbourne 0*

"Six-nil," Janet recorded in the official notebook with a heavy heart. "It’s the biggest defeat we've ever had."
"Never mind," said Peter, trying to look cheerful as he gave Scamper a pat. "Bedford played a jolly good game, and we didn't give up—that's the main thing. Besides, I noticed something very peculiar about the Bedford coach's clipboard during the third quarter..."
The Seven leaned in closer. A heavy defeat was one thing, but a new mystery was quite another!
Would you like me to write the next chapter where the Seven investigate the "peculiar" clipboard to see if Bedford had a secret tactical advantage?

MoM - Scamper
DoD - Colin

Special mention to AIs version of Enid Blyton for her assist on penning of this match report.

Coming up this weekend

Saturday 21st March

Home Fixtures
10am - Ladies 4s vs Saffron Walden 4
11.30pm - Mens 2s vs Blueharts 2
1.30pm - Mens 1s vs Cambridge South 1
3.30pm - Ladies 1s vs Upminster 1
5pm - Mens 5s vs Potters Bar 3

Away Fixtures
10am - Mens 4s vs MBDA 1
10.30am - Ladies 5s vs Bishop’s Stortford 8
11.30am - Ladies 3s vs WGC 2
2pm - Mens 3s vs Vauxhall 1
3pm - Ladies 2s vs Blueharts 1

Join us in the bar from 7pm for our end of season BHC social. We can't wait to see everyone's fancy dress this year & make it our best yet!

Sunday 22nd March

Home Fixtures
2pm - Ladies 5s vs Blueharts 6