This author finds herself once again sacrificing her own peace of mind to report on the outrageous and utterly delicious happenings within the Broxbourne Ladies 4s: a team whose ability to blend athletic endeavour with unrestrained melodrama rivals even the most chaotic of the Ton’s soirées. They mix hockey with hysteria so seamlessly one wonders why the BBC has not yet commissioned a documentary.

The Opening Scandals

It began, as all great scandals do, with poor preparation and forgetfulness of a most shocking nature. Young Miss Maisie arrived sans stick. Truly stickless. A hockey player. Without a stick. The Ton has never recovered from less.

Within the sanctum of the changing room, a most animated discussion unfolded regarding the week’s podcast. Word had reached the ladies that Lady Shearn had been credited as the writer of the match reports. The response was swift. And unanimous.

“She’s not that funny,” declared society, with the brutal honesty only smelly kit and pre match exhaustion can inspire. This author notes that while Lady Shearn may indeed possess many admirable qualities, comic genius was not, on this occasion, among those awarded.

One trusts the podcast shall recover. Society, however, will never forget.

Meanwhile, out on the pitch, the youth brigade, not yet permitted to drink, vote or properly warm up, offered a “warm‑up” with all the enthusiasm of a viscount forced into a marriage of convenience. Lady Perkins, ever the governess, promptly restored order. One may remove the teacher from the classroom, dear readers, but one may never remove the teacher from the lady.

Their vocal warm‑ups were delivered with gusto. If whales screaming into the abyss can be considered gusto. This author fears her hearing may never recover.

The First Half: A Battle of Wits, Wills, and Unibrows

The team pushed forward, with Miss Imogen and Miss Rachel slicing through the field like debutantes through the marriage mart. Yet the goals remained stubbornly elusive.

Lady Wright's unibrow of legend drew commentary from the opposition. As any true member of the Ton knows, a strong brow is a sign of even stronger character.

Then, in an act that will be whispered about for seasons to come… Lady Birnie succumbed to a rather dramatic fit.

After several failed attempts to trap the ball, she declared - quite publicly - that she would “never play hockey again” because she could not trap “a dead bug.”

Fortunately, Lady Thomas on the side lines, ever the diplomat, coaxed her back from the brink before fainting couches were required.

Lady Tzimas also found herself off her game, allegedly due to a deflated sense of self. One hopes someone brings a foot pump next time.

The opposition pressed hard, but a solid defensive line and excellent saves from Lady Perkins ensured the score remained a respectable 0–0 at the turn.

The Second Half: A Return to Glory

The ladies emerged revived by sweetmeats and the joyous moment when Lady Tzimas finally received her stick-in. A moment so euphoric it rivalled Colin Bridgerton discovering the existence of pastries.

Lady Tzimas, Lady Wright, Lady Birnie and the formidable Lady Garry took to the field with renewed elegance, weaving through the opposition with the finesse of Daphne Bridgerton at her first ball, and driving the ball forward.

Lady Quinn, newly arrived into society, made her debut with grace befitting any Bridgerton. Her calm suggested a woman who had been threatened with marriage to a dull duke should she lose the ball. She was supported by stalwarts Lady Poynter and our Lady Captain - the moral backbone of this athletic circus – and the defensive line held firm.

Up front, Miss Imogen, Miss Maisie, and Miss Jaz pressed forward with determination, feeding Lady A in the centre. Alas, the opposing keeper denied them all with vexing consistency. The goals still scandalously unavailable.

The Moment of Triumph

With but minutes remaining, the gods bestowed a short corner.

Lady Birnie injected the ball with an intensity that suggested unresolved emotional trauma.

Lady Tzimas struck with divine force.

The ball flew. The heavens rejoiced. And in that moment, dear readers… Lady Wright’s voice broke like a choirboy under pressure. Puberty is such a tender, magical journey.

Broxbourne triumphed: 1–0.

Players of Distinction

Miss Lady Imogen was awarded Player of the Match for her excellent positioning and tireless runs worthy of the highest praise.

Further commendations:

The entire squad - unity of the Ton
Lady Birnie – pure, unfiltered mayhem; a legend on and off the pitch, tantrums and all
Lady Wright - for reaching a… vocal milestone
Lady A - for bravely voting for herself, as all queens must
Lady Captain - steering the carriage with expertise and restraint

Donkey of the Day (A Shared Crown of Shame)

Lady Birnie - for her dramatic meltdown and the widely circulated rumours that she “hates this silly sport.” Society laughed for hours and agreed she is totally unhinged unless she has an alcoholic drink in her fair hands.

Miss Maisie - for forgetting her stick, a faux pas equal to arriving at the ball without gloves.

Mens 2s vs Blueharts 2 - 3-0 loss
Player: Baller & Sully
Donkey: Sam, Lance & AJ

The mens 2’s went into the last game of the season knowing that their fate was sealed and that they would be dropping down a league for the 26/27 campaign. Nonetheless the sun was shinning at badger field and they were keen to go out of a high against table topping Blueharts. Buoyed by the presence of 100% Chapman and the return of stalwart veteran Fradley they went into the match with a clear plan to maintain their structure, protect the middle of the pitch and frustrate the opposition. The Badgers started the match relatively well, but it was soon clear that the task was going to be a monumental one given the youth an energy of the Blueharts side. It’s very rare that the Badgers very own Duracell bunny, Sully is given the run around, but this was the day “will you just stop running for one minute” came the cry from a gasping Sully and we were only 12 minutes in! The task was made even tougher when right back, Ellis declared he could no longer carry on due to a mysterious knee injury (odd given he was seen later skipping through Ware high street following a romantic meal with his wife at the tapas to celebrate his birthday!!). An adjustment to the defensive line was seamless with Fresh slotting in alongside his eldest son Finn. The work rate was tireless from every Broxbourne player and we stood firm, minimising the opposition to a couple of attempts on goal whilst also looking to create chances of our own.

Then came the Blueharts breakthrough, a scrappy effort, a double save from the outstanding Ford ended up trickling over the line. The Badgers bounced back forcing a couple of short corners, up stepped the ever-reliable Baller to dispatch a drag flick. As the squad reeled away celebrating the equaliser the whistle blown and a controversial decision to disallow the goal due to an infringement on the D by the eager Stock!

Going in at half time the team talk was simple, more of the same was needed and given the heat we would need to dig deep and for 15 minutes, the plan worked perfectly. The Badgers frustrated Blueharts, defended with grit, and relied on more heroics from Ford. But eventually a well‑worked short corner made it 2–0, and a third followed soon after. The match finished in another defeat for the not‑so‑mighty 2s, but the performance was monumental—full of heart, graft, and resilience against a slick and well‑drilled side. We walked away with our heads held high and those rascals from Blueharts knew they been in a match.

Mens 1s vs Cambridge South 1 - 7-3 win
Goal scorers: Tom DS x2, Iain x2, Sam G, Hoppo & Ralph
Assists: Rob x2, Sam G, George, Henry & Iain
Player: Tom DS & Iain
Donkey: Stan & Hoppo
Cards: Stan & Hoppo (green)

No match report.

Ladies 1s vs Upminster 1 - 3-1 win
Goal scorers: Em, Bench & Nads
Assists: Nads, Bench & Martha
Player: Nads
Donkey: Hallie

On the final day of the season, Broxbourne wrapped things up in style with a 3–1 home win over Upminster, securing second place in the league and neatly dodging the clutches of the dreaded National League. The sun was shining, the bar was flowing, and hearts were racing ahead of this match rivalry.

PRE-GAME
Pre-game drama came in the form of Upminster coach Amanda, who last time famously refused Broxbourne entry to the visitors’ clubhouse. This time she arrived in full Upminster kit, warming up separate from her team as the home crowd whispered: “Is she actually playing?” She was – and she made sure everyone knew about it. Broxbourne had a great warm-up despite the absence of Six the Musical due to an out of charge speaker. Nevertheless they were ready and raring for the first whistle.

THE GAME
Broxbourne flew out of the blocks in the first quarter. Nads opened the scoring with a sharp early goal, settling any nerves and sending the home bench into celebrations. Not long after, Em doubled the lead, scoring a clean hit after a perfect trap from Martha in her final appearance for Broxbourne. Upminster, however, clawed one back before the end of the quarter, making it 2–1 and ensuring the game stayed fiery.
You might think, that with no goals in the second and third quarters, the match dipped into dull territory. Absolutely not. The real entertainment came courtesy of Amanda, who took centre stage. In the third quarter she was shown a yellow card and reacted with a full dramatic performance: a scream, a stick slammed into the turf, and a chorus from the crowd. From the sideline she continued to give plenty of chat, prompting Ellie to call across, “Umpire, shouldn’t she be sat down?” – a comment that did nothing to calm Upminster’s tempers.
The visitors’ frustrations boiled over, with more noise from the pitch and sideline, and soon they were reduced to nine players after a green card joined the yellow on the sheet. Broxbourne stayed composed, used the chaos to their advantage, and in the fourth quarter added a vital third goal: Bench stepping up and clinically converting a penalty flick to restore a two-goal cushion at 3–1.
By this point, the men’s team on the sideline were several drinks deep and providing a constant soundtrack of “support” that kept spirits high and the atmosphere anything but quiet. The rest of the final quarter was all about game management; Broxbourne stayed organised, saw off any threat, and played out the match with confidence.
The final whistle blew on a 3–1 victory: what a game, what a season, what a finish. Second in the league, promotion narrowly missed – or, as many in the camp would happily argue, successfully avoided. Life, for Broxbourne, genuinely couldn’t be better. Next year? Maybe this is the platform for a season of wins across the board.

THE AFTERPARTY
Post-match etiquette from some Upminster players was… patchy. A few refused to shake hands and all declined to shower in the clubhouse. Broxbourne were unbothered: more pizza for the home side, and they got straight on with the drinking and celebrations.
Nads deservedly took home MOM for a crucial early goal and, importantly, the “least traitorous behaviour”. Hallie, on the other hand, won DOD after forgetting several important items across the day and revealing she didn’t actually know what the word “decent” meant – meaning she’d managed to dodge paying fines up to now.
Match teas then descended into a different kind of entertainment, revealing what everyone would look like as men. Lily was declared the most attractive male version, which had all the girls screaming. Spike (skipp) on the other hand, looked like what I can only describe as a ginger 118 man. With the team dressed in bridesmaid dresses, they then ventured into the bar for a night of celebrations for an incredible season.

Until next season, over and out.

Mens 5s vs Potters Bar 3 - 2-1 win
Goal scorers: Ollie W x2
Assists: Ollie B
Player: Ollie W & Rory
Donkey: Fresh

No match report.

Away Fixtures

Mens 4s vs MBDA 1 - 3-1 win
Goal scorers: Stapes, Ollie W & Phil W
Assists: Henry x2, Harrison
Player: Ollie W

Nepo Babies Strike Again as Broxbourne 4s Beat the Bomb Makers 3–1

Some teams arrive quietly. Warm up. Stretch. Maybe jog a bit.

Broxbourne 4s do not.

This week they faced MBDA — better known as the bomb makers — and, in keeping with that theme, what followed involved explosive moments, questionable decision-making, and at least one strike with the force of military hardware.

The final result?
Broxbourne Men’s 4s 3 – 1 MBDA.

But that, frankly, doesn’t even begin to tell the story.

Broxbourne began with purpose. Trevor delivered a pre-match speech of Churchillian proportions — the sort usually reserved for historic battles. In years gone by we might have compared the Hitchin pitch to a beach landing, but thanks to the UK taxpayer, the surface now resembles something far more playable.

In true British Army officer fashion, however, Trevor then elected not to enter the battlefield himself — remaining on the sidelines nursing a reduced but still highly functional hangover.

And then… we started.

Fast. Controlled. Confident.

For the opening five minutes MBDA barely touched the ball. Broxbourne passed it around the back with calm authority, like a team that had suddenly discovered a game plan.

Then Harrison — widely regarded as the politest man in hockey — burst forward. So polite, in fact, he’s now being compared to N’Golo Kanté, largely because he refuses to use an offshore tax haven.

A slick exchange with Phil followed.

Phil then produced something remarkable.

Weaving the ball in and out of his own feet, he somehow made his way to the baseline and flicked the ball past a goalkeeper who had clearly forgotten the golden rule:

You are married to your near post.

The forwards celebrated.
The umpire signalled.
Jason… saw none of it.

Instead, he was engaged in deep conversation with the MBDA forwards and, at various points, admiring the sunshine and Shane’s children — suggesting SPF 50 might be more appropriate than defensive positioning.

1–0.

Confidence grew. Structure… less so.

Trevor attempted to restore order, while Ollie Wilkinson made strong runs down the right, supported tirelessly by Joseph — operating like 2 Para of the SAS.

Then came the second goal.

Danny surged through the middle before linking with Henry Staples — who has grown both as a player and physically, reportedly adding 12cm in nine months and now quietly attracting the attention of WADA. There are even early concerns that Broxbourne Men’s 4s could face sanctions similar to those imposed on Russia, and may yet find themselves competing next season under a neutral or entirely unadopted flag.

Henry found space on the right.

He looked up.

He saw his father.

And experienced both clarity… and disappointment.

The pass was played.

Staples the Elder took control.

And calmly slotted the ball into the bottom corner.

2–0.

Then… a wobble.

Broxbourne pushed forward, got caught, and suddenly MBDA had a two-on-one against Jason. The shot itself was underwhelming, but it squeezed through a small gap in Ryan’s otherwise commanding presence.

2–1.

At half time, Trevor spoke. Staples the Elder requested CPR. The youngsters wanted more. Luke applied factor 50 with urgency.

The second half began with renewed structure and calm.

And then came…

the goal of the season.

Constructed entirely by the now infamous Broxbourne Nepo Babies.

Harrison moved the ball centrally via Danny — now officially promoted to “Nepo Dad” status.

Joseph beat two players.

The ball reached Henry.

Henry found space.

Ollie Wilkinson, completely free, called for it.

And Henry delivered a pass of surgical precision.

Ollie finished it like an assassin.

3–1.

Game… effectively over.

But not before one final moment of chaos.

Staples the Elder found himself at the top of the D with his back to goal. He turned. He struck.

And unleashed a shot so violent that it smashed the crossbar, flew out of the cage and clipped a nearby Tesla belonging to one of the opposition.

Turns out the Model 3 does not come with hockey ball protection.

Unlike the Cybertruck.

Elsewhere, Ollie Wilkinson — still enjoying his goal — appeared briefly confused about who his father was, repeatedly calling for the ball from an opposition centre back. DNA tests have since confirmed this was simply unfortunate resemblance.

Henry then thought he’d scored.

A brilliant solo run. A clean strike. A turn to celebrate.

And… the post.

His recovery speed — comparable to a narcoleptic tortoise — allowed him another attempt, but from an angle so tight even geometry gave up.

At the back, Jason delivered a strong performance. Having abandoned Tottenham and seemingly adopted Arsenal’s defensive discipline, he proved extremely difficult to beat.

Although on several occasions what appeared to be defensive awareness turned out to be tight hamstrings.

Luke continued weaving through midfield like a man who had misplaced one of his arms, while Trevor rediscovered skills last seen around 2001 — possibly aided by the promise of a restorative pint in a sunny beer garden.

The remainder of the game was controlled, composed and — unusually — enjoyable.

This has been a season of growth, cohesion and just enough chaos to make it memorable.

Credit goes to Trevor, who week in, week out (except when in the Philippines) has guided the team superbly.

And after a performance full of quality, energy and relentless involvement, there was only one decision possible.

Ollie W was unanimously voted Man of the Match for his stellar running.

The Verdict

Broxbourne were dominant.
The Nepo Babies delivered.
The veterans… survived.

And somewhere near the pitch, a Tesla owner is still wondering what just happened.

The team would also like to thank Jason for his unrelenting administration and leadership throughout the season. We all know there is a level of chaos behind the scenes — somewhere between Fawlty Towers and Blackadder — and quite how he maintains such a calm exterior can only be attributed to some form of Buddhist-like training.

Which just leaves one final thought.

Broxbourne didn’t just win — they disarmed the bomb makers.

On that bombshell… season done. Time for a beer.

Ladies 5s vs Bishop’s Stortford 8 - 3-1 win
Goal scorers: Milly, Daniela & Alice C
Assists: Tess x2 & Alice
Player: Daniela
Donkey: Milly

Another early start on the last away game of the season for the 5’s .

You could have heard a pin drop in the changing room as the mood was one concentration and determination with the 5’s knowing this was the most important game of the season, a win for us would ensure we had done all we could not to get relegated, but still had to rely on Berko to drop points.

Broxbourne started hard with lots of pressure, and within 8 mins had forced errors on Storford which esulted in the 1st Penalty corner of the game, Milly strong injection to Tess who slipped to Daniela on the right , with a strong push to the left of the keeper Broxbourne were 1 nil up not for the 1st time this season .

But something to work on next season is trying to keep hold of a lead with 4 mins Stortford with some lovely passing managed to get through the defence and through Hannah legs 1-1 ,12 minutes gone.

Stortford piled the pressure on and Hannah made some great saves, the defence of Lorraine, Bryony, Teagan, Caitlyn, and Francesca held them off with some lovely marking and passing to get through to midfield. Coach Kay and Katie's Dad on the sidelines did a amazing job of subbing to make sure Broxbourne had enough pressure with some lovely runs up the wings from Sharon and Katie, Stortford we’re rattled, and just before halftime, Daniela who had dropped to the half way line found a lovely ball to Alice who ran into the D with a lovely hit , again left of the keeper, but the hit was short of the goal but the ever reliable Milly Shand was on the left post to slot it away 1 v 2 to Broxbourne going into halftime.

With Hannah's and Kay's half time team talk, Broxbourne knew we had to take care of the ball and not make any silly mistakes, so the 2nd half Broxbourne did exactly that, with a midfield of Mia, Shannon Mumma B, Tess and Alice they held Stortford off and with the support of Bryony and Teagan's lovely passes from defence and again within 5mins of the restart Broxbourne gained another penalty corner. Milly found Tess at the top and a slip left this time Alice with a lovely shot made it 1v3 to Broxbourne.

Then the hard work began, maintaining the lead, Stortford came at as but we held stronger and even got a couple more penally corners, but Stortford held us off. With 5 minutes to go Katie made a super solo run from halfway through several players into the D, but the hit just wasn’t strong enough to get pass the keeper and the game ended with 1 v3 and win to Broxbourne.

Though the game had ended, Broxbourne knew they had to wait till 6 o’clock to find out whether or not we’d be relegated, but to the relief of the team St Albans did Brox a favour and beat Berko 1 v 4 away.

I can say the last three games have been the best Hockey the 5’s have played all season. It shows all the hard work and determination and pure team work. Each player has really improved throughout the season , looking forward to summer league and to next season.

Broxbourne 5’s still have 1 more game on Sunday to top of the league Blueharts but the result with not matter but I am sure they will give their all.

Donkey vote was quite easy this week and was given to Milly for leaving Balls and 1st Aid kit on the pitch after the game!

Player, there were single votes for quite a few players, but Teagan got 3 Votes, and with her 1st player of the season Daniela got 4 votes.

Ladies 3s vs WGC 2 - 3-0 win
Goal scorers: Fixy x2 & Callia
Assists: Hannah x2 & Cerys
Player: Fixy
Donkey: Tara
Cards: Rosie (green)

The Ladies 3XI travelled to the University of Hertfordshire for their clash against WGC 2s, blessed with an early-ish 11:30 pushback and even better sunshine. The day began with breakfast at Tors’ humble abode, where the team gathered bright and early before heading to the pitch with time to spare. This naturally led to an extended warm‑up that had only a loose connection to hockey.
Isla took it upon herself to serenade Aaliyah with a heartfelt selection of High School Musical bangers, while a splinter group broke into a spirited rendition of House of Bamboo for the Blueharts supporters watching their own match. Unfortunately for Tors, several of her Year 6 pupils were playing football on the pitch opposite and witnessed the entire performance. By the time the warm‑up ended, the spectacle had already spread across Snapchat at alarming speed, guaranteeing Tors a memorable Monday morning.
The squad were boosted by the arrivals of Rosie, Callia, Sarah, and — to everyone’s delight — a second appearance from the Irish wonder herself, Lisa Bannahan. Their presence was especially appreciated given that several regulars were apparently required to “work” at the PGL sports tournament in Swindon. While they insisted it was exhausting, the photos of silent discos and wine glasses suggested a slightly more relaxed interpretation of “hard work”.
Broxbourne knew they were in for a challenge. WGC 2s had unfortunately found themselves relegated going into the match, but despite the difference in league position, they were not a team to underestimate. The previous meeting had ended in a tight 1–0 win, and the 3XI arrived fully aware that WGC would be fighting hard.
The game began with WGC piling on the pressure, catching Broxbourne slightly off‑guard as they adjusted to the reshuffled line‑up and settled into the rhythm of the match. It took a few moments for the team to find their feet, but once they did, the contest began to take shape.
Broxbourne eventually found their rhythm — though the same could not be said for Rach on the sideline, armed with a notebook, a stopwatch, and what can only be described as an ambitious substitution plan. While the players settled into the game, Rach was conducting something closer to air‑traffic control, juggling rotations with the intensity of someone trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube under pressure.
Despite the early wobble, Broxbourne began to create chances. A flurry of short corners followed, each one promising but ultimately denied by a stubborn Welwyn defence who were clearly not in the mood to roll over. The pressure was building, though, and it felt like something had to give.
Then came the moment the tide began to turn.
Fixy, returning to the squad with every intention of getting herself back on the scoresheet, found herself in a heated altercation with an opposition player. Remarkably, this time she was the quiet one. She barely had time to process the situation before reinforcements arrived in the form of Hannah, who stormed in like a protective lioness.
Declaring loudly that the way her mum had been spoken to was absolutely unacceptable, Hannah planted herself in front of the umpire — hands on hips, full dramatic stance — and delivered her case with the confidence of someone who knew the umpire by first name. Which, of course, she did.
It was a moment of pure 3XI theatre: Fixy bewildered, Hannah blazing, the umpire slightly startled, and the rest of the team trying not to laugh while pretending to stay focused. The outcome? A yellow card for Welwyn.
Down to ten players, WGC suddenly found themselves exposed. In a moment of collective confusion — the kind where everyone seems to pause, look around, and silently ask, “Is someone else dealing with this?” — the ball broke loose in the D.
Fixy, ever the opportunist and armed with Emma’s favourite adjective, nonchalantly stepped in. With all the calm of someone selecting a pastry at a bakery rather than deciding a hockey match, she swept the ball into the goal. No fuss, no panic, no hesitation. Just a cool, casual finish to give Broxbourne the lead moments before half‑time.
It was the perfect reward for the pressure they’d been building, and the perfect moment to shift the momentum their way.
From that moment on, Broxbourne were fuelled. The goal before half‑time had settled the nerves, sharpened the focus, and injected a bit of swagger into the play. Broxbourne wasted no time taking advantage in the second half.
The second goal came courtesy of Callia, who once again demonstrated her uncanny ability to appear on the post at exactly the right moment. A well‑worked move saw the ball fired across the D, and there she was — calm, composed, and ready to slot it home with the kind of reliability that makes coaches sleep better at night.
Moments later came what can only be described (in the umpires words) as a textbook training‑ground short corner, slipped with precision by Hannah to the post and finished by the exact Fixter you’d want on the ball in that situation. It was smooth, it was clinical, and it was the kind of goal that makes the opposition sigh and the supporters nod approvingly.
Broxbourne were in full flow now, and the momentum was entirely theirs.
The game ended with a win and a clean sheet for the Ladies 3xi - a great way to end the season and head to the club for the BHC Party.
Other notable moments — aside from Hannah’s now‑legendary defensive rant — included Lisa being completely flattened in a collision that left the entire sideline wincing in sympathy. True to form, she bounced back up with the resilience of someone who has absolutely no intention of letting a small thing like being steamrolled interrupt her Saturday.
Lauren, meanwhile, experienced a sudden and dramatic case of centre‑back nerves. Mid hit‑out, she essentially subbed herself, abandoning her post with the urgency of someone realising they’ve left the oven on at home. It was a tactical reshuffle nobody saw coming, least of all the defence.
Emma also found herself in a physical stand‑off with the WGC centre forward — a moment of pure, silent tension that could have been lifted straight from a Western. Two players. One ball. Zero intention of backing down. The only thing missing was a tumbleweed rolling across the pitch.
To top it all off, the WGC umpire — already on first‑name terms with half the Broxbourne squad — felt compelled to ask, with a mixture of amusement and resignation, “What is it with Broxbourne bringing music to games?”
Given the pre‑match performances, the question was entirely fair.
Player of the match went to Fixy
Donkey to Tara for missing the last game of the season
It was also a great send off for our departing captain Hannah who after 3 years at the helm, is taking a step back to just play. She leaves the team in a great place and she still has her knee intact!

Mens 3s vs Vauxhall 1 - 6-2 loss
Goal scorers: Jake & Harrison L
Assists: Harrsion L & Cranners
Player: Jake
Donkey: Ruddy

Match report pending.

Ladies 2s vs Blueharts 1 - 1-1 draw
Goal scorer: Gem W
Assist: Jess
Player: Emma
Donkey: Evie
Cards: Hannah (green)

It was an exciting and evenly contested match, finishing in a well-earned 1–1 draw. Though, let’s be honest, the real drama started roughly 60 minutes before meet time when Evie made the harrowing discovery that we were wearing pink kit. Why, after a full season of blue, we decided to pivot to pink for the final game remains a mystery but alas the rest of the team decided it was donkey worthy.

The pre-match team talk was... informative. Rather than discussing tactics, we spent our time dissecting the chaotic antics of the last social and mapping out the inevitable carnage of this weekend’s social. Suitably distracted, we headed out into the sunshine.

We played like a team of animals. Emily wouldn’t stop buzzing, Hannah was moo-ing at the opposition, Box spent 70 minutes with a hump, Charlotte hopping to intercept their transfers.

We actually struck first! A moment of pure class saw Jess provide a clinical assist to Gemma, who scored a stunning goal by flicking the ball perfectly over the keeper’s pads. 1–0 to the Pink Animals!

Blueharts eventually clawed one back to make it 1–1, but we headed into the second half with a point to prove. Our press, impeccable and with two Blueharts goals disallowed, stress levels were high.

The last five minutes were pure chaos. Hannah decided she needed a rest and earned herself a green card. Blueharts swapped their goalie for an extra attacker but nothing got past Emma in goal (winning her a very well deserved player of the match)

For a team that’s going down (I’m yelling timber!), taking a draw against a team getting promoted felt like a massive win!

The high of the draw was immediately extinguished by the post-match teas. Captain badger Gem had spent all week overhyping the catering, only for us to be presented with... soup.

BHC Social
Another brilliant turn out for our end of season BHC fancy dress social. A huge thanks to Ruddy for providing the tunes all night and for everyone's excellent effort to dress up!

Sunday 22nd March

Home Fixtures

Ladies O35s vs Bishop's Stortford - 5-0 loss

Another glorious sunny Sunday greeted the Ladies O35s, though a few players arrived looking slightly less radiant than the weather. The previous night’s club party had left its mark — mainly on Tors, who turned up clutching a coffee like it was life support, hair slightly wild, and still wearing the infamous crayon socks from the night before (mercifully paired with clean clothes).

As always, Captain Willsy set the tone with her match‑day motto: enjoy, have fun, and smile. A simple philosophy, though Gem seemed to interpret it as “secure your sideline position early”, having stationed herself there before the starting line‑up was even announced.

From the first whistle, Bishop’s Stortford came out strong. Their depth and energy made it clear they were going to challenge the Badgers from the off. Mere seconds into the match, Jo was already on the floor — not through clumsiness, but sheer determination to beat her opponent to the ball. A true O35s commitment moment.

Despite the pressure, Broxbourne produced some genuinely positive passages of play. The link‑up work was sharp, the movement intelligent, and the team showed flashes of the hockey they know they can play.

Kim returned to goal after some careful bartering from Emma, who had clearly negotiated like a seasoned diplomat. Kim would end up thankful about playing quarters, and not a solid 35minute stint in one go. Under near‑constant attack for large stretches of the game, she rose to the occasion — even if, as her husband confirmed, she will not be rising any taller. Her saves kept Broxbourne in it far longer than Stortford would have liked.

Unfortunately for the Badgers, Stortford’s momentum eventually paid off. Their relentless pressure finally broke through, and they took the lead. From there, they continued to add to their tally, but Broxbourne never dropped their heads. They battled, they grafted, and they kept pushing until the final whistle.

And most importantly: no flicks. A small but meaningful victory.

The match ended with both teams enjoying pizza and beers in the sunshine — the perfect remedy for tired legs, sore heads, and the emotional rollercoaster of O35s hockey. Smiles all round, just as Willsy had ordered.

A huge thank you to Willsy for her tireless efforts this season — organising, persuading, cajoling, and occasionally strong‑arming players into turning out for a second game in a weekend. She’s earned a well‑deserved rest, and the team already looks forward to doing it all again next year.

Ladies 5s vs Blueharts 6 - 4-0 loss
Player: Alice
Donkey: Teagan

A re-arranged re-arranged fixture meant we had a Sunday afternoon match to look forward to. We pretty much had the whole of our squad and having saved ourselves from relegation the day before were just happy to enjoy the game. Playing Blueharts who were crowned top of the league and who had had their end of season party the night before we were hoping that they would have celebrated hard and long. They may well have done but they turned up keen to win. One of the forwards was obviously chasing top goal scorer so she made her presence felt.

Player went to Alice for her great work in the midfield. Teagan got Donkey for standing on the sideline at the start of the second half when she should have been on the pitch along with all the other subs.

Huge thanks to Em for encouraging us from the sideline and Finchy for helping with subbing 16 of us. Much appreciated as it has been all season. We also had the greatest number of spectators we’ve had all year. What else are you to do on a Sunday afternoon!

We have improved as a team throughout the season and have had some really competitive games recently. Prosecco celebration at the end of the game well deserved and now looking forward to next season.