Broxbourne Ladies 3XI came away from their clash with Stortford 4s with a hard‑earned 1–1 draw—one that felt as much about character as it did about hockey. Buoyant after last week’s win but fully aware of how tight the league table is, the Badgers arrived knowing this would be no easy match.

The opening minutes were nervy. Broxbourne struggled to settle, and Stortford capitalised by pressing high and forcing a few uncomfortable defensive scrambles. Emma was called into action early, and the defensive play although scrappy was able to win the battles in front of goal to get the ball clear. After a few mishaps, the Badgers began to find their rhythm through some neat link‑up play. Alice made some great runs, Kirsty, glad to be back after a week away honing her skills on the ski slopes of Austria, held firm in the middle and the determined runs of the forward line saw Broxbourne take a better hold of the game.

Unfortunately the visitors’ pressure paid off. A loose ball in the D fell kindly for Stortford, and a firm strike squeezed through Emma’s pads to give them the lead.

At the break, Broxbourne regrouped and discussed possible ways to get the ball around Leanne in goal. The message was clear: stay patient, and take chances when they come.
As the second half began, Broxbourne continued their attacking play and kept possession in their attacking end for large parts.

After a string of short corners failed to produce an equaliser, Lauren “Chapman” Jordan stepped in with some very direct tactical guidance on where the next shot needed to go. The team listened—and executed. An injection from Olivia, a slick transfer from Cerys and a beautiful ‘own goal’ from Fixter, which has now taken her tally to two after the Hertford match a few weeks prior!

All square and all to play for. Stortford were fired up and immediately attacked. Under pressure up stepped Tara ‘Hannah Hampton’ Haddock with a beautiful display of footwork to clear the line. Nominations for the Women’s Ballon D’or might not have opened yet but the team will definitely be putting in the nomination.

Assistant Coach Josh, who had valiantly stepped in to umpire, became the villain in awarding (a fair but annoying) penalty flick. Everyone held their breath as Emma took her position. Saved!!!! Still 1-1.

In the final few minutes of the game, where game management was key, Tara decided that this was the day that the long-awaited aerial was going to make an appearance. The Stortford press was strong and the pressure was on. Up she stepped, took position and executed, well… it was off the ground and was controlled well by their CF, who lifted her stick mere centimetres. A great effort and another reason for the donkey vote!

Broxbourne threw every thing at the keeper but were unable to get the winner.

Was it our best performance? No. But were we able to ground out a draw that in previous seasons we would have lost? Absolutely!

Ladies 2s vs St Albans 3 - 1-1 draw
Goal scorer: Ellie
Assist: Emily R
Player: Gemma & Darcy
Donkey: Hannah

It was a warm, humid morning at the nature reserve as the Broxbourne Blue Tits welcomed the St Albans Parrots onto the lawn. Both flocks were nervously circling the relegation zone, so this was less a friendly flutter and more a test of territorial boundaries.

What followed was 70 minutes of squawking, swooping and some suspiciously tit based behaviour.

Leading the formation, Isobel the Ibis, Charlotte the Chicken, Ellie the Emperor Penguin and Bethany the Booby were quick out of the trees, interrogating the Parrots’ back line with sharp pecks.

Despite this, St Albans pecked first with a well-worked team move that ruffled the home side’s feathers. Quick passing through the undergrowth ended in a clinical finish that left the Brox looking like some startled pigeons.

In midfield, Sophie the Seagull, Gem then Giant Tit, Evie the Egret, Darcy the Dodo and Hannah the Sweet Baby Chick dictated the migration routes, linking defence to attack and picking off loose balls like a bunch of predators.

The Blue Tits are nothing if not resilient. Ellie the Emperor Penguin rose above the chaos and delivered a swooping reverse-stick strike that arrowed into the nest, levelling the score and restoring balance to the food chain.

The second half became a true test of endurance for both teams. Birds fleeting with end to end action but Brox’s defensive formations, Sue the Sassy Swan, Grace the Silly Goose, Baz the Bald Eagle and Emily the Emu repelled the waves of advances. Between the posts, the Goalkeeping Golden Eagle Kim preserved the reserve, ensuring the nest remained firmly unbreeched with her impressive wingspan.

With a flurry of short corners in the dying minutes, it looked as though Broxbourne might swoop again. But unfortunately they could not get past the St Albans Ostrich guarding her nest with the territorial aggression.

Whilst Chick Hannah was in the bird bath getting ready for an outing with Mother Hen, the nature reserve colluded, conspired and bullied. The nature reserve committee accused her of “not having been donkey before”, “spending too long in the bird bath” and “appreciating other species too much”. When she flew towards the feeder seeking sanctuary, she was promptly shot down by the ever-watchful Nature Patrol.

Player of the Match went to Gem - the Giant Tit, Ultimate Tit (Tit of All Tits) whose swooping turns and relentless stick blocks in midfield left opponents flapping and Darcy the Dodo, for general menace to the ecosystem.

Concluding the hard fought 1-1 draw meant that neither side claimed territorial dominance. With feathers slightly ruffled and dignity mostly intact, Broxbourne now migrate to Havering to show them who is top pecker.

Mens 1s vs Ipswich 1 - 4-2 loss
Goal scorers: Sam W x2
Assists: Sam G
Player: Henry
Donkey: Toby

The Curious Incident of the Stick and the Shorts

It wasn’t your usual savannah this weekend. While some admired what they thought was a peaceful sunset, others were hearing the closing anthem of Jungle Club ringing in their ears for the first time this season.

Meet time was set.
Meet time was missed.
Missed, ironically, by those who set it. (A detail that becomes important later…)

The first 1st team social of the year was pencilled in for 18. In reality, a brave squad of 14 — plus Toby — assembled to take on second-placed Ipswich.

Then came the dreaded call:
“PCD team, stay for a chat.”

Shivers ran through the squad. Shilling’s nose twitched. Joe looked haunted — either by memories of Jungle Club or the sudden realisation that he still doesn’t know what “PCD” stands for.

Warm-up began. It was immediately apparent that one too many pork pies had been consumed. And then came the moment. Attempting to tie his Velcro laces, veteran Toby House bent over… and, well, the rest is history.

(But back to earlier in the report.)

Haileybury arrived late — a stroke of luck, as they’d only brought 18 pairs of under-16 shorts. It was touch and go. A quick bit of emergency tailoring — sewing a few pairs together — bought the veteran three precious minutes. Minutes that would, ultimately, undo the Badgers.

The match itself was tight, competitive, and hard-fought. Final score: 4–2 to Ipswich.
Highlights included the parting of Red Joe’s legs and a remarkable 17 missed chances from the usually clinical Chopson.

Then came the social.

Hoppo was rumbled.
Hoppo was nearly run over.
Elliot briefly believed he was in Cambridge.
Josh attempted to play with his wife’s stick.
And Jake… remains mute.

All in all, a standard weekend down the club.

Mens 5s vs Saffron Walden 8 Dev - 5-3 loss
Goal scorers: Noah x2, Ollie W
Assists: Harrison, Ollie & Rory
Player: Samuel
Donkey: Fresh

No match report.

Away Fixtures

Ladies 4s vs Hertford 4 - 3-1 loss
Goal scorer: Rosie
Assist: Jo A
Player: Alisha & Ivy
Donkey: Lisa

Ah, away days. Nothing says “elite sport” quite like wandering around a hockey club car park trying to work out where you’re actually meant to meet. Was it meet at pitch? Meet at changing room? Meet outside the changing room? A fun little treasure hunt hosted by Hertford 4s.
Initial panic stations when there was no toilet access — truly a bold pre-match strategy. However, crisis was eventually averted and facilities were unlocked, meaning Jens’ emergency tissues were no longer required. Disaster officially downgraded to mild inconvenience.
Special mention to Lisa, who fully committed to testing the traction levels of the paving slabs outside the changing rooms. The tiles delivered a performance reminiscent of a Slip ‘N Slide at a children’s birthday party. Meanwhile, Jaz took it upon herself to conduct a live demonstration of their “perfectly safe” condition by strutting up and down the exact same spot multiple times like a QVC presenter selling anti-slip footwear. No further incidents reported.
Changing rooms review: minus 5/10, as Sarah eloquently noted, “no flowers.” The hand dryer provided airflow roughly equivalent to the gentle sigh of a mildly disappointed guinea pig. Atmospheric.
On to the actual hockey. Broxbourne 4s came out firing. Huge potential. Quick goal straight off the mark — you love to see it. Jo peppered the keeper with a couple of cracking shots before Rosie calmly tidied things up and secured the opener. Clinical. Composed. Very us.
Unfortunately, Hertford then remembered they also play hockey. They piled on the pressure with wave after wave of attack, but Alisha was having absolutely none of it. Save after save after save — at one point it was basically a personal audition for Goalkeeper of the Year. Despite her heroics, Hertford managed to sneak one in just before half time. Rude.
Second half saw Hertford dominate possession, aided in part by the fact that they appear to have discovered the fountain of youth and fielded approximately 47 teenagers with unlimited stamina. We had a couple of solid shots on goal, keeping things interesting, and a standout moment when Jane confidently believed she had the ball glued to her stick… only for it to remain peacefully on the sideline. Commitment to the illusion: 10/10.
Final score: 1–3 to Hertford. A hard-fought battle, plenty of laughs, some excellent defensive work, and a collective level of knackeredness not seen since pre-season fitness.
All in all: chaotic arrival, plumbing drama (resolved), strong start, heroic resilience, youthful opposition, and zero flowers. Classic away day.

Mens 2s vs St Albans 4 - 3-1 win
Goal scorers: Baller x2, Wyatt
Assists: TBC
Player: Baller
Donkey: TBC
Cards: Mitch, Satwick & Hugh (green)

After a recent run of tough results and Captain Jack jacking it all in to travel the world the boys in blue and pink travelled to St Albans with a cloud over their heads

Assistant to the Captain the Boy Brown had his work work cut out and hatched a cunning plan. He had cast his educated eye over the talent available to him across the club and decided it was time to unleash the red headed Roy Keane of the 3s Hugh on St Albans. Not being one to rely only on his tactical genius he also selected his lucky charm Mitch whose 100% win record this season probably had more to do with careful selection of games rather than his undoubted talent. I should also mention that super vet AJ had been recalled surely a sign of desperation to bring the pensioner with good one leg back into the fold

Anyway after an inspirational team talk the Badgers walked onto the pitch as the dark grey clouds cleared and the sun glimmered off of the tangerine shirts of the oppo. Was this the breaking of a new dawn for the mighty 2s or just the start of spring.

The game started with wave after wave of orange attacks dashing them selves against the resolute back four of broxbourne. The badgers worked hard but couldn’t seem to get out of their half or keep any possession of the ball.

The sudden arrive of a huge crowd of away supporters as well as a strangely vocal bearded hermit seemed to spur the badgers into action ( just as well they hadn’t realised it was the ladies 1s and their support arriving). They broke and with some clever interplay sent maverick forward KP into the D. He dummied a reverse stick shot from near the top of the D and drove to the bye line and then decided to shoot. A good chance wasted but now Broxbourne knew they had tools to trouble St Albans and KP has often been referred to as a tool.

Another quick break led to broxbourne having a long corner centre field. Browny surveyed the options in front of him and then heard a little squeak. AJ had burst forward on his right hand shoulder ( by burst I meant limped slowly into the other half while the St Albans subs wondered why Broxbourne had broken him out of the old people home for the day) Browny rolled the ball to him the whole pitch expected an Ariel but he delivered a low ball into the D. Browny almost deflected it, KP and baller fought over it and …… a penalty corner.

The slick routine resulted in a goal bound flick from baller that the St Albans keeper distracted by the sunshine manger to keep over… GOAL

Shortly after another break based on Mitch’s magical skills again set KP free again no one even him had an idea of what would happen. Browny scratched his head as yet again KP blasted reverse stick across the face of goal. Another waste… but no Wyatt had read the mind of KP and was waiting to get a deft touch and the ball gently rolled into the far corner and a second GOAL.

There was still time in the half for more excitement with a few mins left on the clock another Brox short corner… which went completely wrong leading to a st Albans break. One blue shirt stood in the way But as Satwick went to make the tackle he was disturbed by the wide eyed stare of the bearded hermit lost his footing and accidentally took himself and the at Albans player out of the game. A short given and as one the St Albans players demanded a card for the Clumsy tackle the umpire paused. Unfortunately his colleague 50 yards away had a cleared view and instructed him to give a green card.

The short was saved but not before the bearded hermit enraged by the card vented at the umpires resulting in a friendly chat between Browny and the umpires where despite his vow that he didn’t know the beard he was threatened with a card of his own unless he could calm him down. Lance calmed the situation down by commenting that the hermit was quite a nice guy over a beer so with the promise of a post match can of tennents extra the boy brown restored calm.

After half time Broxbourne fought a valiant rear guard effort. Resulting in two more green cards to Mitch’s and ginger Roy Keane. Finally St Albans scored a scrappy goal with Fordy beaten from close range. Was this the turning point would victory be snatched away….. No despite the pressure the 2s managed so break away and this resulted in a third goal from MOM Baller to put the game to bed. There was still time for Lance to blast wide and KP to deliver another ball across the face of goal while Sam desperately tried to make up ground.

So a well deserved victory for the 2s! But I hear you so what became of the hermit. Finn having learnt well from his mother the importance of caring for the bearded spoke to him and took him back to broxbourne for a calming beer.

Ladies 1s vs St Albans 2 - 1-1 draw
Goal scorer: Paris
Assist: Em
Player: Becky
Donkey: Lydia

Once upon a time, in the cursed kingdom of St Albans, the L1s descended like a flock of unhinged bridesmaids released from captivity, armed with lip gloss, delusion, and absolutely zero intention of behaving.

This is the official recap — typed after 7 large gins, 20 Tequila Roses, a cherry Sourz shot that no one asked for, and one catastrophic decision to “do sambuca for the vibes.” Accuracy not guaranteed. Dignity long gone.

Meg and Lara, the group’s resident Year 9s, arrived skint, starving, and emotionally fragile. Their night instantly improved when they found wine cheaper than a Freddo. Bankruptcy reversed. Spirits lifted. IQ unchanged.

‘Bad Behaviour’ Bench committed to the chaos so hard she single-handedly triggered a one-woman hen do, complete with invisible feather boa and unnecessary hair flicks.

‘Trophy Wife' Wilsey became the dancing queen, young and sweet, only... slightly above 17.

Ellie ‘the Bride’ and Stan ‘the Groom’ sang “Marry You” like it was legally binding.
And Meg Thomas, who was sober and the designated driver, still chose WAP. No notes. Jail for her.

Then Al Brown arrived — the self-proclaimed party animal — and somehow managed to make karaoke feel like a press tour.

Shots Queen Millie, aka the Hostess with the Most Stress, dishonoured her maid duties by aggressively distributing tequila like it was communion wine.
Hannah, the returning holiday rep from her “work trip,” walked straight off the plane onto the dancefloor, still wearing her airport socks.

Vic and Lara, the “sexy singles,” performed below their usual standards… until Victoria remembered she’s a menace to society and secured several kisses out of sheer determination and possibly blackmail.

‘Miss-chevious' Hallie spent the evening spilling tea with student Megan — gossip so spicy it could have powered on the DJ booth or Mr XXX..

Meanwhile, Ellie the Bride, in a moment of generosity or sheer delusion, allowed Year-9 reps Meg and Lara to share Otis's crate — trapping them like two damsels desperately awaiting rescue from their handsome princes.
Except...
Lara doesn't have one.

Donkey went to “Slay Queen” Linda, accused of taking “4 hours” to get ready — a vicious character assassination she didn’t see coming, mostly because she was still blending her contour.

And finally, Player went to “Bad Behaviour/Hench” for bribing voters.
Not for her skill.
Not for her work rate.
But because nothing says hen-do energy like electoral fraud.

And they all lived happily ever after — except their livers, which have formally resigned.

Sunday 1st March

Away Fixtures

Ladies O35s vs West Herts O35 - 2-2 draw, 4-2 win on p flicks
Goal scorers: Tor & Laura
P flick scorers: Tor, Laura, Al, Baz

Under a persistent drizzle and watched by a lively collection of small children on the sidelines, Broxbourne Over 35 Ladies took on West Herts Over 35 Ladies in a closely fought cup encounter that had everything — drama, determination, and a nerve-shredding finish.

The morning began on a positive note with a good luck message from the Baby Badgers, followed by a rousing pre-game chant dedicated to the absent but notorious Tara Haddock. Spirits were high and Broxbourne started well, moving the ball confidently despite the slick conditions.

The first half proved an even contest, with both sides creating half chances but finding defences in stubborn form. As the drizzle continued and the tempo remained high, tired legs began to show across the pitch. Despite the effort from both teams, the match remained finely balanced at 0–0 at half time.

Broxbourne struck early in the second half. A cleverly worked short corner from the right led to a driven strike across goal, which was perfectly met at the back post by Laura Seaman, who tapped home to give Broxbourne the lead.

West Herts responded in kind and drew level from a short corner of their own, setting up a tense final period.

With ten minutes to go, Broxbourne produced a moment of magic. Tor Stacey picked up the ball deep in her own half and embarked on a meandering, determined run through the West Herts lines before calmly firing into the side netting to restore Broxbourne’s advantage.

However, with just two minutes remaining, disaster struck as West Herts piled on the pressure and found the equaliser, sending the match to Captain Laura Wills’ dreaded scenario — penalty flicks.

Broxbourne, though, were not daunted.

Stepping up with confidence, flicks were coolly converted by Alice Brown, Tor Stacey, Baz Sparrey and Laura Seaman. Goalkeeper Emma Bailey produced two outstanding saves to take the win for the Badgers; 4 flicks to 2, sparing Pip Evans from having to take one — though she was quick to assure the watching crowd it would have gone top corner.

A fantastic team effort in testing conditions sees Broxbourne march on to the next round — the quarter finals.

Mens O35s vs West Hampstead O35 - conceded

Coming up this weekend

Saturday 7th March

Home Fixtures
10am - Ladies 4s vs Harpenden 3
11.30am - No game
1.30pm - Mens 1s vs Old Loughtonians 2
3.30pm - Ladies 1s vs Cambridge Uni 2
5pm - Mens 2s vs Potters Bar 1

Away Fixtures
11am - Mens 4s vs St Albans 9
11.30am - Ladies 3s vs Shefford & Sandy 1
11.30am - Ladies 2s vs Havering 1
1pm - Ladies 5s vs Royston 2
2pm - Mens 3s vs Bedford 4