Mens 5s vs Hertford 7 Dev - 6-1 win
Goal scorers: Jake B x3, Alex B x2, & Ollie B
Assists: Alex B x3, Jake B, Ollie W & Ollie B
Player: Jake B & Sam F
Donkey: Fresh

No match report.

Ladies 2s vs Blueharts 1 - 2-0 loss
Player: Hannah
Donkey: Cat

The Day We Learned That Warm-Ups Matter. Probably.

Broxbourne welcomed Blueharts to the pitch this weekend in weather conditions best described as “moist” and “emotionally challenging.” Darcy bravely prepared by warming up alone in the rain like the opening scene of a gritty sports documentary, while the rest of the squad sensibly opted for the pitch-adjacent spa experience of a dark squash court. There, they stretched in lighting conditions not seen since early episodes of CSI. Truly elite preparation.

Things began chaotically when a Blueharts player attempted a first-time clear that was less “controlled pass” and more “ballistic missile.” The ball tore off the pitch at Mach 2 and headed directly toward Lisa and baby Blaithin. Thankfully, Lisa possesses impeccable reflexes, and Blaithin remains blissfully unaware of the near-death experience. Both are expected to return equipped with hockey masks (of the ice variety) next week.

Back on the pitch, Emily—normally a defender—took to the midfield with gusto, perhaps motivated by the discovery that people who play higher up the pitch run noticeably less backwards. Our new “deeper press” strategy was deployed, which mostly resulted in us shouting “Deeper!” and “Give her the outside!” every few minutes. We remain confident it’ll click any day now… she says.

Defensively, Broxbourne delivered some of the most committed—and unintentionally dramatic—moments of the match. Grace and Gem collided heads in the D, both fully committed to the now *very* deep press. As Gem lay on the ground, contemplating her life choices, Blueharts helpfully added to her experience by pinging the ball directly at her head. It just isn’t cricket, ladies. Though speaking of cricket—if it were, we’d have undoubtedly smashed them for six.

Despite Kim’s heroic saves, Blueharts managed to sneak in two goals. I say “sneak”—the second one was far too loud and thumpy to be considered sneaky. Meanwhile, our forwards worked tirelessly, now with no subs and forced to cover approximately half the county between receiving the ball and launching any kind of attacking attempt.

Coach Meg summed up the opposition by declaring, “They play like prison guards.” It remains unclear whether she meant their physicality, their discipline, or simply that *we* looked like a team trying to escape.

And finally—*Donkey of the Day*. This prestigious honour went, by unanimous societal agreement, to Cat. Not for her defending (which was excellent, according to an anonymous, totally unbiased source), but because one of her three young children unleashed a full-scale poonami in the clubhouse bar. The situation escalated so rapidly that Cat was forced to abandon two children like lost luggage and sprint to the showers with the third. Truly an elite performance in multitasking under pressure. If only she’d had that sort of processing speed on the pitch!

Hey ho, on we go.

**Final Score:** Blueharts 2 – Broxbourne 0
**Final Mood:** Slightly bruised, mostly damp, lightly traumatised, largely covered in shit.
**Final Thought:** At least Darcy warmed up properly. Only Darcy. But still—someone did.

Mens 3s vs Vauxhall 1 - 5-0 walkover
Conceded by opposition.

Ladies 3s vs Welwyn Garden City 2 - 1-0 win
Goal scorer: Cerys
Assist: Alice
Player: Hannah
Donkey: Aaliyah

“One Goal, Fifteen Near-Misses”

The Ladies 3’s came into the game hungry for a win against opponents sitting below them in the table. On paper they had numbers: 15 players ready to go. In reality, the squad rapidly shrank—Grace joined late fresh from school fixtures, Aaliyah arrived skipping after gymnastics training, and Yas was sadly unwell and unable to play. So much for the bench advantage.

From the first whistle, the team were dominant. Possession, pace, pressure—everything pointed to a convincing win. The Ladies 3’s pressed so high that even Tara came marauding up from a long corner, stormed into the D, and drilled a shot toward goal.
The defence also spent unusually large chunks of time attacking rather than defending, constantly sprinting forward to support the press. It looked less like a back line and more like a rotating midfield engine.

The great mystery: how was there only one goal?

For a game with so much promise of scoring, it concluded with a single goal.

The team produced wave after wave of attack, but if there was a way to hit the opposition keeper square in the pads, they found it. Repeatedly. It bordered on performance art: “How many perfect shots can we deliver straight to the goalie?”

The halftime huddle brought a moment worth remembering. With the score 1–0, Tara politely (and desperately) asked if the team could find a few more goals, as defending a 1–0 lead was “very frustrating… and a little bit stressful.”

Some men’s players trickled to the sideline to ‘support’ as the game went on. Fresh, who made an appearance pitchside in the final seven or eight minutes, offered the blunt summary the whole team already knew:

“You should’ve in fact had five goals in that time.”
Yes. Yes, we know.

Despite the frustrations, the Ladies 3’s were organised, confident, and fully in control. The scoreline might not reflect their dominance, but the performance certainly did. If this many chances keep coming, the goals will follow.

Mens 4s vs MBDA 1 - 1-0 win
Goal scorer: Noah
Assist: Hayden
Player: Fresh
Donkey: Hayden & Symon

Hockey for the 4's this weekend had to wait until the very end of the day in the 17:30 fixture.

Most of the older players were ready for bed, but still managed to drag themselves down for a little run about.

Huge thanks to the umpires KP and Mark DS for jumping in, after a very last minute umpire shuffle.

With the Squad finally assembled, late on the Friday night, saw incoming support from Digger, Hayden, Shane, Fresh and Ollie W. Although not intending to play a part due to illness, captain Moorhouse came kitted up anyway ( Just in case ).
Danny G brought his self inflicted "headache" with him and Joseph feeling slightly under the weather gave the team 4 subs to call upon when needed.

The fans gathered in the stands, beers in hand. Many were looking extremely glamorous in some interesting and very lairy syrup's - I expected nothing less from the "Bowdenettes".

With the starting 11 chosen, the stand in on-field captain, Trevor Mellor gave the pre match speech to fire up the team.

The opponents with only 10 players lined up.

Whistle blows to start the game. Broxbourne started off with some tidy passing, trying to suss out how the opposition were going to play.

Although Brox were tempted to try something different new, with the personnel at their disposal on the pitch, we thought best not to try and fix something that wasn't broken.

The game was much more compact than previous weeks and the opposition harder to break down - Brox weren't using the width as much as we should.

Suddenly a rush of blood to the head ! A long ball sailed through a group of players, and continued towards the side line. With no-one anywhere near to stop the ball going out, and no whistle blown, Symon P to the absolute disbelief of his umpiring sibling, KP, walked onto the field, stopped the ball with his stick and passed it back !
KP gave Symon a very kind warning rather than a card.

After the game, KP talked us through the moment through his eyes "No, he isn't, he isn't, oh my god he has"

The game continued, chances came but not converted. Brox had plenty of short corners to try and convert, but nothing materialised.

Then, catastrophe - Trev M went down in the middle of the pitch, looking to be in quite some discomfort. With our playmaker off and ice pack applied, the team had a slight shift around.

Fresh then stepped up from the heart of defence to slot into the midfield.

Unfortunately Brox couldn't break the other team down before the half time whistle.

Trevor, with ice pack still in place, pulled us in to go over what had been a frustrating half.

The players went back out as they had finished the half.

Again chances came, but the goals didn't.

The away team moved the ball around well, but didn't really look like capitalising until, a perfectly weighted ball was played through on goal, This called for a fantastic save from young Ryan.

Cards for the away team followed, a green card for an over the top stick tackle, then not long after the player returned, a yellow was dished out to the same player for not retreating from a free hit, despite the umpire calling multiple times for him to drop 5 yards.

After this wake up call, and some much needed calming and composure, Brox set off again and worked the ball into to the opponents D, this time the goal finally came.
Noah put the ball away after a short frenzy of attempted clearances - 1 nil to the Brox! Cheers erupted from the slightly intoxicated wig clad members of the Shane Bowden fan club.

With about 15 to play, side line coach Rich Mellor, made the changes, switching to a more defensive formation, in an attempt to shut up shop.

The visitors pressed for an equaliser. KP was forced to brandish another card, this time a green card for Hayden, for encouraging an opponent off the ball.

Finally the whistle went to conclude a very tightly fought contest, Although the goal tally maybe should have been higher for the home team, a win is a win and another 3 points on the board, with 1 more game to play before the winter break.

MOM the match was a tight, contest between Trev M and Fresh, but following a fine display of marshalling at both centre back and centre mid, I give the award to Fresh.
DOD was also a close one, with equal votes for Hayden's green card and Symon's ballboy antics - I nominate Symon.

Massive applause to everyone that played their part in this hard fought game.

Away Fixtures

Ladies 1s vs Upminster 1 - 5-5 draw
Goal scorers: Becky x2, Em, Nads & Meg S
Assists: Meg S x2, Martha, Em & Willsy
Player: Meg T
Donkey: Lily
Cards: Tor (green)

The Wizard of Az (A Wicked & Wicked: For Good–inspired telling of Broxbourne’s most magical showdown)

Missing our beloved coach, the team set out on a quest worthy of the Yellow Brick Road itself: the search for The Wizard of Az. We arrived to warm up guided not by Munchkins but by a brand-new playlist conjured by the away keeper of the speaker, Nads Weadon—our very own DJ of Oz.

Upminster—famously wicked, and not just in name—wasted no time clicking their heels together and pressing high, forcing an early save from Hawthorne within the opening five minutes. Their coach oversaw their opening attacks with a level of intensity only someone from the darker corners of Oz could muster.

But soon the goals began to swirl in like a green elixir. Though the order of scorers may be as mysterious as the grimorie’s ancient language, the who remains clear:

Becky Scarrott, channelling fierce Elphaba energy, slotted home a penalty flick assisted by Em Wilkins. A magical duo combined again—Scarrott scoring, Martha assisting—like two witches harmonising in For Good. Nads Weadon added to the spellbook with a goal from a Meg Saywell assist. Saywell then sprinkled more magic, assisting Wilkins for her finish. And finally, Saywell claimed a goal of her own from a Laura Wills assist—proof that the backline can conjure more than just defensive sorcery.

Meanwhile, in goal, Keeper Hawthorne (yes, Lils-with-an-S) found herself on a journey even Glinda would call character-building. Once sitting proudly as the league’s top keeper for fewest goals conceded, she endured a fall from Grace worthy of a dramatic Act Two twist—conceding five, including a penalty flick given after a stick tackle so wicked it could have come straight from the depths of Kiamo Ko. The scoreline of 5-5 left her feeling distinctly un-pop-u-ler. LA.
To add to the drama, her shoulder was dislocated by an Upminster player, prompting our team doctor to swoop in like Chistery himself to reset it mid-chaos. Let’s all hope the swelling reduces quickly—because if there were ever a moment for magic, it’s now, and Hawthorne is waving her wand in hope that her physiotherapist can get her back in full Glinda-glow for Saturday.

A Word on Our Wonderful Lines of Oz

The Forwards – our Emerald City entertainers:
Nads Weadon, Ellie Welsh, Meg Saywell, and Vic Boulton brought energy so electric it could have powered the Wizard’s entire illusion machine. Their press was relentless, their movement dazzling, and their work in the circle kept Upminster’s defence melting faster than a witch in water.

The Midfield – our witches of balance and brilliance:
Lydia House, Lara Luka, Laura Wills, and Em Wilkins stitched the whole performance together like a spell woven For Good. From House’s composure to Luka’s work rate, Wills’ distribution to Wilkins’ playmaking flair, they made the pitch their stage.

The Defence – our guardians of the Yellow Brick Road:
Meg Thomas, Becky Scarrott, Tor Chapman, and Martha Kerr fought tirelessly against Upminster’s pressure. Thomas swept with Elphaba-level force, Scarrott stepped with grimorie-worthy confidence, Chapman tackled with thunderous authority, and Kerr anchored the line with calm, Glinda-like poise.

But nothing rivalled the final scene. In the most controversial end since Elphaba melted, fate came down to one umpiring decision. With hands shooting toward the centre spot, signalling a goal and thus a draw, we witnessed the Upminster coach—our very own Nessa-Rose—sprint the length of the pitch with the speed of Usain Bolt and the desperation of someone trying to magically rewrite the script.

We hope to see this level of theatrical flair from one of Broxbourne 1’s harshest critics, Alice Brown, next week. Much like Madame Morrible manipulates the weather, Brown shapes the podcast and influences team selections with her own brand of sorcery.

Player of the Match went to Meg Thomas—the Elphaba to my Glinda—casting spells across the back line, controlling chaos, and utterly defying gravity.

As for me, I was awarded Donkey for the week, having confidently announced we had lost the match despite knowing exactly how many goals we had conceded… and absolutely failing to notice how many we had scored. Even in Oz, there’s always one Munchkin who gets the maths wrong (usually House or Luka), but this week, that honour belonged to me.

Next week, the Badgers click their heels together and set off to their second away game in Cambridge. There’s truly no place like home, but with pushback at 12:30, they’re hoping to have an absolutely wicked time on the road.

Because no matter the chaos, drama, or sprinting coaches… we do it all For Good.

Mens 2s vs Blueharts 2 - 7-0 loss
Player: Sully
Donkey: Ruddy

A not so good 7-0

After the previous week's result of 7-0 the badgers were confident. They then realised that the top of the table was up next and half the team was unavailable.
The captain Jack then decided that instead of playing with a bare eleven against top of the table he would instead rather join the 1s playing bottom of the table.

The squad consisted of 6 3s players, 4 2s players and Jake. Due to Jack leaving and taking Tom and Elliot we were left with eleven the game ended 7-0.

To start the game the badgers decided to play a defensive 4-5-1. Due to heavy defence the badgers managed to keep the score 0-0 for 20 minutes. The first goal was then scored from a short corner which Si narrowly missed.

Ruddy then decided that he would duck under the ball to give them a free shot on target leading to the second goal. Then just before half time another goal came from a short leading to 3-0 at halftime.

At the start of the second half a loose ball made its way to the opposition's D. The opposing keeper then kicked into his own players foot resulting in the only offensive short corner received.

Ruddy decided to make up for his earlier mistake by playing the ball off the backboard and claiming it didn't go over the line. Ruddy's police attitudes led him to give the opposition another goal off a short corner. Sully must have wanted to stop Ruddy giving them another goal so offered to run on a short. This led to a dragflick to the knee leaving him limping for the rest of the game.

Despite the injury Sully offered to defend the next short corner where Lance decided to ask him about his carpets before the injection.

For the last 10 minutes the badgers had 2 players who couldn't move properly as Lance injured his back. He later blamed his back after passing the ball to the centre forward in the middle of the pitch.

The game eventually ended in a 7-0 loss. Hopefully next week the availability will increase so Jack doesn't decide to leave for the 1s again.

Mens 1s vs Cambridge South 1 - 4-2 loss
Goal scorers: Sam G & Sam W
Assists: Ed & Josh
Player: Ed
Donkey: Toby

Match report pending.

Ladies 4s vs Saffron Walden 4 - 3-2 loss
Goal scorers: Meg H & Rachael
Assists: Ella T x2
Player: Rachael
Donkey: Lisa

A 5pm Away Day in the Cold, Wet Wilderness
Broxbourne Ladies 4s embarked on an epic journey to Saffron Walden for a 5pm pushback — the kind of time usually reserved for pyjamas, hot chocolate, and pretending the outside world doesn’t exist. Add in the cold, the rain, and the fact it was basically pitch-black before we’d even parked the car, and you’ve got peak British hockey misery. But after a powerful team talk and a speedy ten-minute warm-up that may or may not have involved more chatting than stretching, the 4s were ready for action.

From the very first whistle, Broxbourne dominated possession like absolute queens. The passing was smooth, the movement was sharp, and the ball spent so much time loitering in Saffron Walden’s D that it could have applied for residency — possibly even council tax. After about 15 minutes of relentless pressure, the breakthrough came via a beautifully coordinated short corner: Jo to Ella to Rachael, who was perched on the post like, “Don’t mind me, just here to score.” A cool, calm tap-in later and Broxbourne were 1–0 up and celebrating accordingly.

Then… chaos.

Saffron Walden’s centre forward received a ball, mishit it, kicked it into the air, and somehow produced a goal that can only be described as:

illegal
accidental
gravity-defying
and possibly blessed by divine intervention
She didn’t celebrate. She didn’t smile. She simply limped back to the halfway line as if she, too, couldn’t believe what had just occurred. Broxbourne’s defence stood frozen in sheer disbelief while the umpire — who was clearly watching a different sporting event entirely — awarded the goal.

The outrage? Magnificent.

Still, the 4s powered on. More chances, more short corners, more near-misses, and more questionable umpiring decisions than anyone deserved. At one point Jo provided some gentle, educational feedback about a foot that absolutely, definitely, 100% happened. Kirsty, standing right next to the incident, can confirm. The umpire, however, could not.

Half-time arrived at 1–1. Spirits were revived by sweets (a scientifically proven method), and Broxbourne headed back out rejuvenated.

Sadly, within moments of the second half beginning, Saffron Walden snuck through and tucked one away to make it 2–1.

But Broxbourne were not about to go quietly into the cold, dark abyss. Having not travelled all the way to Saffron Walden for nothing, the 4s pushed back harder than ever. The passing intensified, the pressure mounted, and eventually another short corner delivered. Ella fired the ball to Meg, whose strike pinged off a defender’s stick and obligingly bounced into the goal. A true team collaboration. 2–2.

But Saffron Walden wasn’t done. A tidy break down the right ended with a well-taken finish, putting them 3–2 ahead.

Broxbourne fought to the very last second — attack after attack, short corner after short corner, and more “OH COME ON!” moments than the rulebook should legally allow. But the equaliser refused to appear.

Player of the Match: Rachael for that gorgeous short-corner tap-in and excellent post positioning.
Donkey of the Day: Lisa for realising her gloves were still warm and cosy… back in the changing room but was saved for the jog of shame as Alice kindly picked them up.

Sunday 30th November

Away Fixtures

Women's O35s vs Upminster - 2-2 draw, 3-2 loss on flicks

Match report pending.

Coming up this weekend...

Saturday 6th December

Home Fixtures
10am - Mens 4s vs Luton Town 3
11.30am - Ladies 3s vs Letchworth 2
1pm - Ladies 2s vs Colchester 1
2.30pm - Mens 3s vs Hertford 3
4pm - Ladies 4s vs St Albans 7

Away Fixtures
10.30am - Ladies 5s vs St Albans 8
12.30pm - Mens 1s vs Cambridge Uni 1
12.30pm - Ladies 1s vs Cambridge City 3
4pm - Mens 2s vs Hertford 2

Final Club Social of 2025 - Christmas Jumpers feat Skeggsy from 7.30pm.