“Badgers unable to reflect cup successes in domestic league”

By Lisa Banahan & Alice Brown

Saturday saw yet another home game hosted at Badger field as the home team took on Horsham on what was set to be a competitive match up, with both teams looking for points.

With the season heading toward the mid-way point, the Broxbourne squad have been pushing for enhanced performances both on and off the pitch. Some teammates however, have been accused of going a step too far as Lucy “Bob” Hoskin was not available for Saturday’s game due to an appointment with her plastic surgeon. The forward connected with fans via social media on Monday to confirm she would be back on the pitch after Christmas with a new and improved thumb, nail and all, which she hopes will improve her short corner drag out. Fellow forward Charlotte Skip arrived at the game with a new look for the home game, showcasing her new range of purple eyeshadow. The thrifty student is hoping to broadcast her new range when she appears in Amazon’s “All or Nothing” documentary series alongside brother Ollie.

There was also concern that aging centre forward Gemma Wilkinson would not make an appearance after an emergency plumber was called to attend an incident at her home after it emerged there was a blockage. Renowned toilet blockers Rebecca “Bench” Scarrott and Alice Brown commented in the pre-match press conference that they didn’t think it was serious but refused to address any questions that they were responsible for the flooding of Kerri Marshall’s hometown, Doncaster, after footage of the pair with a plunger and rubber gloves on the M1 emerged in a tabloid paper.

However, one team member who has demonstrated she is literally on call for any event is captain Laura Wills, who finally proved to fans she is in fact a qualified and competent doctor after rushing to scenes last weekend to support a fellow club member and was pivotal in ensuring he received emergency care and a successful transfer to hospital. On behalf of the women’s 1st XI we wish Rob a speedy recovery and cannot commend our captain enough, super Dr Wills!

Moving back to the hockey (I apologise, the Dictator won’t let us publish this without at least one paragraph on the game), the Badgers looked to put in a strong start to the game after recent games where they have trailed in the first quarter. Coach Marchant set a clear target: short corner in the first five minutes. Low and behold the team secured a corner as the clock struck four minutes, and with a second attempt at goal, Em Wilkins secured a crucial first goal for the home team. Momentum maintained with the Badgers until the dying minutes of the first quarter where the home side conceded a corner, and frustratingly a goal to draw level with Horsham. The second quarter saw the game level up with both teams pressing hard and winning corners, but the deadlock was broken by Horsham in the 55th minute with another corner strike. With one quarter left the Badgers threw everything they had at the game but failed to convert as the final whistle blew.

Frustration continued after the game back in the changing room as it was revealed 2019 Player of the Season Lisa Banahan had chosen to showcase her personalised towel. Claire “Cat” Cattermole defended pup Oscar after he was accused of attempting to soil said towel with Banahan claiming the act was synonymous with defamation; however, the team sided with Cattermole with a unanimous Vadger vote for Banahan. Maintaining strong form was youngster Izzy Gardiner after her success in the shuffle off against midfielder Wilkins, who failed to win the previous week’s Badger jumper with a slurry of shuffle attempts. Gardiner secured yet another Badger vote with numerous saves against Horsham, and took pride wearing her customised jumper after revealing Momager Sarah Gardiner was also a big fan of the knit wear.

Post-match controversy continued as Scarrott was left defending the appropriateness of her outfit as her and right back Tor Stacey attended teas dressed for the Cross Fit 2019 awards ceremony. Scarrott shook off comments from her teammates, such as “do you want to put a jacket on those potatoes” and defended their decision to wear the outfits. Despite snide remarks from the remaining squad who were snubbed from the guest list, Stacey and Scarrott attended the awards in top style as they were chauffeured by Meg 1 from the club to Broxbourne station, overtaking commuter Alice Brown on the pavement, heckling “you don’t even go here”. It’s thought the heckles were in relation to Browns lack of attendance to any cross fit sessions, pre-season and in fact any team events outside of the core season.

The Badger’s weren’t’ done for the weekend though as cup game activities continued to hold headlines….Broxbourne 1s Midfielder and over 35s ladies cup manager, Kay Finch, has had a nervous week, with the much-anticipated draw for the second round of the cup taking place on Channel 5 late Tuesday evening. It was revealed that the Vintage Badgers will face Wapping in a local derby at Badgerfield in early December. Finch spoke positively about the draw, tipping Lisa Banahan and Kerri Marshall to continue their goal scoring purple patches. However, the media were primarily focused on the rumours that Jose Mourinho was stepping in to replace the manager of a top English side, and Finch was visibly thrown by suggestions that she might be dethroned from her role with Broxbourne's dream team. Finch claimed that no Broxbourne hotel would be suitable for Mourinho to take up residence but was eventually saved by the breaking news from White Harte Lane. Finch has hinted that a management team restructure might be implemented for the second-round tie with Team Physio Em Wilkins a source of much embarrassment to the Badgers, following the pictures emerging in local papers of her drinking a pint of shandy during the game. Centre Midfielder and team diva Gemma Wilkinson has been highly critical of Wilkins, stating that she was refused her customary pitch side massage and almond hot chocolate at 15-minute intervals.

Elsewhere, the controversial decision from mixed cup team co-captain Becky Scarrott to cut all female players over the age of 35 from her side led to a major rift in the Badgers squad. Scarrott has defended her decision following the mixed cup sides 6-5 win on Sunday, saying that "it was about time someone rid the team of the dead wood, one in particular who ended up costing us dearly in the Wapping game a few seasons ago". The three players effected by the decision (who wish to remain anonymous) have been united in their retaliation and have successfully campaigned for a boycott in Player votes for Scarrott amongst the squad. The initial stats from the weekend suggest that Scarrott's average player votes per game have dropped from 0.001 to -0.4, with the negative sign confusing team statistician and excel expert Alice Brown. Brown has refused to shed light on the meaning of the negative sign citing her urgent research of the six times tables as her priority over the coming weeks. Gemma Wilkinson was rumoured to be making a statement to condemn Scarrott's ageist selection criteria, however the blocked toilet in the Wilkinson residence forced her to turn the mounting group of journalists away disappointed.